Date with a Ghost - A Note from the Author

Forthcoming

Date with a Ghost - PART VII

Forthcoming

Date with a Ghost - PART VI

Three weeks had passed since Rick ended our contact. I was going through my app before turning it off and came across his profile. I clicked it again just to look at it. Why was it still on? Why had he not disconnected from me? Why couldn’t I stop thinking about this man? It’s exhausting. 

Suddenly, there it was, a new picture. Two new pictures. When I looked at the profile yesterday these weren’t there. And yes, I looked at his dumb profile yesterday. I looked at it almost daily the last three weeks. Every time I told myself it would be the last time.

Why did he update his profile? Isn’t he back with the ex? Maybe it’s not exclusive. Maybe I was correct and it was just an elaborate lie to “let me down easy.” Men are extremely weird. But then why not disconnect if he knows I can see the new photos?

I can’t bring myself to disconnect.

This won’t be a problem for much longer, I will be pausing my account before the end of the month. I can’t keep dealing with men who just ghost, don’t make an effort, or just want to hookup. There is no point to this whole dating experience, men just waste your time. 

I think from now on I will only date a man if he does everything possible to show me how much he wants to be with me. Otherwise, I will not be wasting my time searching

Back to Rick. There is absolutely nothing I can think of.

Whatever, dude.

…

Tonight I’m seeing a new singer. I only know two of his songs, but it’s something to do. I am meeting a friend from work, Evan. He seems pretty cool, I’ve only hung out with him a few times though. I think it’s exactly what I need.

I arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early and am able to snag a great table by the window. Evan and I grabbed a quick dinner and a drink (mock mojito for me). 

“My last day is next Friday,” Evan tells me.

“This is such a bummer, I didn’t know you were leaving. We just started hanging out.”

“I know, I’m leaving the state too. But we’ll stay in touch.”

“So, are you excited for the change?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. I’ve been seeing this amazing girl though and it sucks that we won’t keep seeing each other.” The last time Evan and I connected about dating we realized that we had gone through a breakup at the same time, and both situations were extremely similar. So I am so happy to hear that he has met someone and that he really likes her.

“That sucks, maybe stay in touch with her, you never know!”

“Have you been seeing anyone?” He asked.

“Talking to a few. I went on some dates.”

“No one you like?”

“There was a guy that I had talked to for like a year and a half, just as friends, then we started talking as more than friends a couple of months ago. We finally met, kissed, and supposedly would keep meeting, but he disappeared.”

“Seriously?”

“Can’t make this up if I wanted.” I said, recalling the occurrences of the last few months of my life. “There was this guy that I was seeing at the same time, but he had an ex and he went back to her.”

“That’s a dumb move, it never works.”

“I know,” I laughed because it was so obvious to anyone. “Not my place to tell him that though.”

“You’re better off. He’s an idiot for going back. Also, you are great, he’s the one that let you go.”

“Want to hear something weird? He updated his profile yesterday. New pictures.”

“Huh. Why are you still on his profile?”

“He never disconnected.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I’m an idiot.” We both laughed.

“How long ago did he go back to the ex?”

“Three weeks ago.”

“Huh, and he updated his profile? Is it an open relationship?”

“That’s what I was thinking it might be. He told me the ex reached out and asked if we could still date. I know now that it was the wrong move, but I said yes. Because I liked him.”

“How did things end with you two?”

“He seemed to tell me that it was over, but then it seemed like a question? I don’t know. It was quite confusing. Basically, he told me it was over but then asked me if I agreed or was okay with it, or something like that. I didn’t understand why it was communicated as a question.”

“What did you say to him?”

“I didn’t address it as a question, I addressed it as a statement. I just said okay and wished him luck.”

“That is strange. If he was getting back with her, why ask you?”

“Well, I don’t think they were back together at the time. It was just headed that way so he broke it off. He said things were ‘progressing’.”

“So, maybe they didn’t end up getting back together.”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

“You know that was when you needed to take charge, right. He was asking you because he wanted you to stop him. And when he asked you about still dating while he talked to the ex, that was another chance - you should have said ‘your ex is the past and I’m here now.’ Trust me you’d get him.”

“Haha, you definitely overestimate my ability to persuade a man.”

“I mean, he knows you can see his new pictures.”

“Probably, but he wouldn’t care.”

“Did you write to him yet?”

“Why would I write to him?”

“To see if he’s available again.”

“If he were available again and was interested in seeing me he would reach out. HE has my number. He didn’t, so even if it didn’t work out with the ex, it seems he is just looking for new people.”

“He might just feel like an idiot. Which he is. I don’t even know why you’d like this guy. But if you do, just message him. You have nothing to lose because you don’t talk to him anyway.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Dude, hit him up now and tell him you got an extra ticket for this concert and to get his butt here and take you!”

“I’m going with you.”

“If you can get him out here then you know he’s into you. It won’t bother me.”

“I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even know how to do that.”

“Alright, well think about it. Just let him know you like his new pictures, but be sassy.” He said. “Ok, let’s head out.”

The concert was filled with young people. We were definitely outliers.

“Look at the guy in the corner!” Evan said, “he legit knows every lyric.” Poor guy was in his happy place. 

Evan made so many jokes. We people watched so much. It was a great night.

“Hey, I’ll let you know about my goodbye party. Thanks for the invite!” he said.

We said our goodbyes and I headed to my bus, headphones instantly went into my ears and cap on my head.

…

The next day I chatted with my friend Kate. I don’t trust my decisions when it comes to relationships so I ask for advice when I’m at a crossroads. “Okay, so he updated his pictures on the app, what do you think that means?”

“Dude, hit him up. Send him creepy eyes and say nice pics.,” she said.

“Is this like an unknown rule that people with more experience than me know? That’s exactly what Evan said.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t do it, because I'm too scared of those things. Luckily I don’t have to though, because my wife is awesome.”

“Lucky you. Why would I contact him, I think he would contact me.”

“No, he might be feeling embarrassed and realized he was an idiot.”

“You and Evan should be friends, haha.”

“Just do it, otherwise you’ll always wonder.”

…

Three days later I decided what the hell? So I sent a message on the app. He probably won’t answer back. I really do feel like an idiot. “Hey, here I am going through my chats and saw your updates… nice new pics (winky face).” I could feel the anxiety building. The wait for rejection is just overwhelming.

A few minutes later, I get a message. “Thank you. I’ve actually stopped myself from texting you six or seven times, haha.”

What the hell does this mean? Like as a friend? Okay, it’s a dating app, right.

“You shouldn’t stop yourself from texting me, why did you stop yourself?”

Silence. 

Never heard anything more.

A few days later, I felt like being a jerk, “looks like you stopped yourself again, is that the eighth time? If you ever want to reach out you know where to find me.”

Two minutes later, “you look amazing today. I like the new ‘date me, I dare you’ addition.” He was referring to my profile. I had gotten tired of men and was just being a jerk at this point. So obviously, he’s checking out my profile and looking at my pictures. What the hell is up with this guy?

“Hmm, do I now? What can I say? I’m a risk taker. Dating me is an adventure.”

Silence.

…

I headed to lunch with Pia the next day. 

“This guy is driving me insane,” I tell her.

“Alright, I want to see if I can hang out with this guy I’ve been talking to but I don’t want to leave you alone,” said Pia. “So hit up Rick and see what he’s up to.”

“What! No, I’m fine. Go hang out with your guy.”

“Did you ever tell him you liked him like I told you to?”

“No, and it didn’t matter, he went back to the ex.”

“Or he didn’t and was just an idiot,” she said matter of factly. “Just text him. This is 2024, a woman doesn’t have to wait for a man. You can be straight about what you want.”

I check the app to message him, “it says he’s a mile away so maybe he’s in the city.”

“Perfect, my guy is in the city too.”

“Um, ok, but Evan told me I should get the conversation back out of the app so I will just text him. Although he ignored my message yesterday.”

“Or maybe he just hasn’t gotten back to you. Do you still like this guy?”

“I like him, but I think this is his way of communicating he doesn’t like me, you know. I would also be an idiot for chasing some guy that so blatantly doesn’t want me.”

She looked at me with that face that just says she can’t deal with me sometimes. “It’s dating, he’s an adult. If he doesn’t like you he can tell you or disconnect from you. Instead he’s telling you he wanted to text you and that you look good, and you had a really good date just a few weeks ago. Just go for it, you need to get out there. If it doesn’t work out that’s alright, there are a ton of men out there who would kill to be with you.”

“Don’t you have a way of giving a pep talk.”

“It’s not a pep talk, it’s common sense.”

“Hey,” I text, “I’m one mile away from you.”

“You are such a weirdo,” says Pia. “That’s what you texted? He’s going to think you’re a creeper.”

“I just thought that was funny.” I laugh. “He’ll probably ignore me.”

A minute later I get a text, “I just had a drink with my best friend, but waiting for the train, otherwise I would hunt you down. Do you want to meet up sometime soon?”

“See,” Pia says, “make moves. Flirt!”

“I think you should hunt me down, but I guess we can just meet up sometime soon.” I reply.

“Glad he’s not free,” says Pia, “because my guy is also headed home. Let’s go do something else.”

…

Next day I just get a random text that reads, “you’re hot.” 

This is infuriating. I need answers.

“Tell me why you had been thinking about me.” I text back. I need to know if this guy is single again. I mean, logically, if he stopped talking to me so that I wouldn’t feel weird about him dating his ex, then it wouldn’t make sense that he would continuously tell me how attractive he thinks I am if he were back together with her. But I don’t know enough to make that judgment.

I head out that next morning for a work trip. Philly.

Later that evening, “just because we had a great time when we were together,” he wrote.

“We did. I’m glad you were thinking about me because I was thinking about you too.”

Nothing.

I checked the app and saw that he had paused his profile. What did that mean? It had only been like 10 days since the updates.

Next evening, I visited the Rocky statue and had a drink, after months of nothing. I follow up to see if I can find him at a time where I don’t need to wait 24 hours to get an answer. I want to see if he’ll chat on the phone. “Hey, what are you up to?”

“Visiting my friend,” he responds minutes later.

Great, I’m just bored in an empty hotel room. TV it is. Or extra work, I guess. “I’m actually in Philly for a work conference, so just wanted to check if you were free to chat.” I also wanted to tell him about the Rocky statue, maybe send him the picture I took.

“How’s that going?”

“It’s just long days, but fun, getting to see friends. I get back to NY tomorrow.”

“NY missed you.” Seriously! Just tell me you miss me! I wish I could scream.

“NY huh? Well, I missed NY.” Then a second later I add, “NY should maybe take me out this weekend.”

Silence. 

Never heard back. I thought I couldn’t have been more clear.

On my train back to the city, I update the app to say if anyone wants to connect, they have two days. A couple of guys reached out, and one I kept talking to.

A couple of days after that, I pause my app. As planned.

Goodbye, Rick.

…

Date with a Ghost - PART V

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all. It’s my issue with the unknown and overanalyzing everything. The fact that I had no chance was difficult because it kept me thinking about the feelings of not being good enough. Sadly, I thought dating again would help me feel the opposite, but I didn’t anticipate this situation. I didn’t even think that I would care for anyone, how could I have ever known that I would like someone. 

I was experiencing feelings of jealousy towards his ex-girlfriend. Not in a dark way. Not because she won something that wasn’t even a game to begin with, but simply because she was so lucky. She had a man who loved her so much that he made it a point to put her first right when she came back. That is a very fortunate thing to have in the world - a person who cares about you, is there for you, and loves you. It was what I could only dream of having.

I always take responsibility for my decisions and I was the one that decided to still date him knowing that psychologically he would always focus on the ex. I thought I had made myself clear that it could only happen if he had the emotional capacity and availability - but either I didn’t make that clear enough, maybe he just lied to me and maybe he lied to himself too. Regardless, I had input in the outcome.

It’s funny because when I was with my ex I spent so much time trying to change my personality for someone and I didn’t realize that they were the insecure one. They couldn’t handle my confidence. But Rick wasn’t intimidated by me. He was confident in himself to let me be myself.

You know, when I think about Rick’s words - “I am so happy that you still wanted to meet up because I had such a fantastic time with you!” - I think in his own way maybe he truly put himself out there. He didn’t think we fit, he knew that since the first time we went out. We both lied to ourselves I guess. He told himself to give me a chance because there was some level of interest or attraction. I told myself that maybe that could turn into more interest. But we lied to ourselves. We should have ended it there. I should have ended it there because he told me clearly that he didn’t think it would go anywhere. What did I think would happen? 

The mind tricks us. We often do the things that we swear will never be us, the things we criticize in others. We like to think that we are above the people whose stories we hear about. But until we’re in that situation, we don’t truly know what we would do.

I was naive.

When Rick said he “felt lucky to get to be with [me],” that really got to me. My ex once said he felt “proud to be with me,” obviously more towards the beginning of our relationship. Those words made me feel seen. But when those words are used in the same sentence as but I don’t want to be with you. They’re just painful words. 

Maybe Rick felt lucky to be with me because he got the opportunity to have me on the side while he knew he would be back with his ex. But, maybe, there’s a chance he felt lucky to be with me because he actually liked me. 

The truth is, I had one of the best nights of my life during our second date. That probably doesn’t say much because I can be a bit boring and haven’t had many life experiences when it comes to romance. So it’s probably just a normal or even mediocre night for someone else. Maybe for him too, come to think of it. He probably thought I was so childish for mentioning that I had a great date. He said it himself that I just needed to date more but I thought it was his way of downplaying my comment or maybe I had embarrassed him. It was probably just a normal date for him, something he might do with any woman he takes out. But for me, especially after my ex, it was a great night. 

Most importantly, in the middle of a months-long depressive episode, it was helpful to connect with someone and have their attention. He showed me I mattered, even if just for two months. Even if just for a night actually. 

…

Nevertheless, it’s time to move forward.

…

I need to figure out what I want to get out of my life. It truly feels like this can be a second chance if I want it to be. I need to put as much of myself into it as possible. At least now I know what I want in a man. I want someone who sees me for me and wants me for who I am.

I also want to finish figuring out who I want to be though. 

The next couple of weeks were helpful because I was able to focus on work tasks and then the holidays began. I’m not a person that spends time with my family much. I don’t even share details or meaningful life events. So hiding my feelings and current situations are not something new. But at the moment, I want to be more free to be who I want to be. I want that with someone I choose though.

I never share anything about my private life with my family. It’s funny to think about that now as an adult because they don’t really know much about me. But the truth is that they had the chance to ask. I am actually not hiding anything. I would answer if they asked.

All I wish I had was someone that I could share my full self with, and they with me. It’s extremely difficult to find that in someone. It’s even more difficult to find someone who has the patience to wait for you to open up and be yourself. 

I was looking forward to getting to that place with Rick, to be honest. He shared a lot of what he wanted and what his interests were. I had never thought about a lot of the things he mentioned, but I was open to it all because I liked him.

I have this firm belief that if you like someone then you have to accept them as they are. That doesn’t mean you have to be with them. You should never do something you don’t want to do or are not comfortable doing. However, you should not try to change yourself or change the other person to match what you want. It is okay to like or even love someone that you cannot be with.

In Rick’s case, I considered everything he communicated and I chose to go for it. I don’t regret that.

I hope one day I find someone who will do the same for me.

…

Date with a Ghost - PART IV

When I got on the bus I couldn’t stop smiling. I’m so glad that I gave this man a chance. The tears rolled down my cheeks but I wasn’t necessarily sad, it was a great night. I couldn’t have asked for a better one. The tears were because these were now just memories, it was already the past, and I had the strongest feeling that it would not be the future - my happiest night would now just live in the labyrinth of my mind. But no matter what that was our night, a memory that was only ours, and nothing could ever change it because it was over. I had one perfect night of being the person I want to be with someone I wanted to be with at that moment. 

Okay, it’s time to relax. The bus is where I get to disengage for nearly an hour (less on a good day) and just listen to music and play games on my phone. This night I could also daydream as much as I wanted.

As soon as I opened my phone, I saw his number. Right. So I texted, “Hello, Rick.” 

“Who the heck is this?” He responds instantly.

“Haha, just some girl you made out with all night.”

“Oh right, of course. There’s a vague memory there.”

And I’m off to music until I reach my destination..

”I’m home. Thanks for a great night.”

“Have sweet dreams, princess!”

The next day, I heard from him. I was so happy that he didn’t wait to contact me.

“How was your day?” He wrote.

“Hey, it’s actually been very relaxing. Sometimes I take a sleep aid and I did last night and I slept for what felt like forever today. How was hiking with your sister?”

“It was very nice! You look great btw, I loved that outfit on you!”

“Thank you.” I would eventually learn to not feel awkward at all the compliments. I enjoy them coming from him though because I think we have connected a bit. “I was thinking about you today,” I said, unashamed.

“Oh? In what way?”

“I was remembering you kissing me after getting that strike.”

“That was a good one.”

“Haha,” I smiled to myself, recalling the feeling, “yes, a very good one.” I pulled myself together. “So what are you up to this evening?”

“Just keeping it real. How about you? What are you up to?”

“I’m just watching TV, and chatting with you. I should be editing a document but trying to only work during work hours.”

“I hear you.”

“I enjoyed spending time with you last night.” Again, unashamed of sharing my feelings, I’m going to do my best.

“Ditto!! You’re really lovely and cool.”

“Is it weird that I don’t know what to talk to you about?” I thought aloud, I probably should have kept that to myself but too late, the text was gone. ”You sort of make me nervous, in a good way, Is that too honest?”

“Hmm. Explain more?”

“I have really enjoyed our conversations during our dates, so I don’t know - now that you’re not in front of me, I’m a bit nervous about what to say.” I’m the biggest weirdo that ever existed. I swear. I need to play things cool. Now I felt I needed to bring it back and explain myself. “But it’s in a good way because I enjoy spending time with you. So it’s because I like you that I’m feeling nervous.”

“Now I am nervous, and shy and embarrassed.” He responded. 

I didn’t know how to feel about that. In a way, it made me feel that it meant that now that I was honest it made him shy because he liked me too. Or, it could be that I said too much and because he wasn’t in the same place then he felt weird. Had I put him in a weird position? What is wrong with me? Maybe I should just say goodnight and figure out a way to stop saying exactly what’s in my head. But let’s face it, I haven’t been able to fix that my whole life.

“I’m sorry!” I said, sincerely. A bit sorry for myself too because I had no idea what he meant. “Sometimes I’m overly honest.”

“Haha I’m just kidding. I just didn’t know what to say!” Okay! So maybe not a bad thing after all. “I want to take you to dinner,” he said next. 

In that moment, I felt contentment. A tear came to my eye. But at the same time, I felt terrified. He wanted to spend time with me, after we had just spent time together yesterday. He asked me. I wasn’t imposing myself onto his life. He freely wanted to spend time with me.

“I want you to take me to dinner,” I said simply.

“Good!”

“I want you to kiss me again.”

“I would like that too!” he responded. “I have a rough/busy week this week, but maybe we can set something up for the week after? Let me know which days work best for you.”

“Sounds good. Monday I’m off of work, or any other night that week really. Or that weekend.” I’m definitely making myself overly available, there’s a rule about that too I believe. Too many rules to this dating thing. Then, as always, I got in my head, and just made everything worse. “Also, I hope that me saying that didn’t make you uncomfortable. I can’t delete on here because you already read it, haha. But let me know if I ever say something that makes you uncomfortable.”

“What did you think made me uncomfortable? Also, if I say something that makes you feel uncomfortable, let me know. I’ll do the same for you! But, it honestly takes a ton to make me feel uncomfortable, haha.”

“Ok, sounds good. Just figured I should mention that. I’m trying to figure out how I am as a person when it comes to dating. At the moment, I don’t want to hold back. I want to stop feeling afraid of just being me. And I want to enjoy what I want in life.” My dumb ex came to mind, telling me that he was sharing things not because he wanted my opinion but just to agree with him, or that I needed to be more humble. I hated that I always had to hold myself back when I was with him. I could never truly be myself. I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to be authentic from the beginning. “But I also acknowledge that’s sometimes a lot for others. At least, that’s been my experience. So yeah, I tend to overthink things sometimes and I just wanted to mention in case that’s the case with you. So I don’t do it.”

“Yeah, I mean, I am asking what specifically, because there was nothing that I can even figure out what it could have been?”

“Oh, you mean? What specifically I thought could make you uncomfortable? Just me saying that I like you or that you make me nervous.” I just shouldn’t have put him on the spot and made things awkward. I just wanted to apologize.

“Oh. No.”

“I know it’s not a big thing. I just get in my head and I had some issues with my honesty being too much in the past, so I just wanted to check that I wasn’t saying something that was too much.”

“We spent most of last night making out, I would hope that you liked me!”

“Haha, true.” He had this way of just making me smile, even when I was clearly making a fool of myself.

“Honesty is always appreciated with me, so just be you. I like you for you so don’t censor yourself.” Stupid tears came rolling down my cheeks. He could never know how much that simple line meant. Someone who wasn’t trying to change me.

“Ok, thanks.”

“Just say whatever you think and whatever you feel and I can handle it.” 

“Thanks. That means a lot. I’m just a bit messed up still.” He had no idea what I meant. Why was one of my friends not here to take my phone! Literally, shovel, and the pile of dirt getting higher behind me.

“From your breakup or something else?”

“Yeah. Both things I guess.”

“What’s the other thing?”

“Just some stuff I was going through. Which is what I had to go through mostly alone. I’m good now, but it was a rough time. I’ll share that in person at some point.” I want to hide that side of me. But I also want to share it because it’s part of who I am. The one person I wouldn’t want to hide that from is a partner. That’s the person I would want to be most myself with.

“You got it.” He said, and then he opened up. “I think honesty is important which is why I brought up my current situation with my talking to/trying to work things out with my ex girlfriend.” Then he added the dreaded ‘but’ that we know is never good. “There might be a timestamp on your and my seeing each other based on how things turn out… and I wouldn’t have wanted to ask you out again, and go out with you, and make out with you without your knowing that. It would just seem like a slimy thing to do… but I am so happy that after I told you, you still wanted to meet up because I had such a fantastic time with you! You are funny, and smart, and sweet, and fun. And I felt lucky to get to be with you.”

So, I had no chance. I was just being used again. Another man who didn’t want me. Apparently I am the girl you spend time with until the one you want becomes available. I am the biggest idiot in the world. How could I have done this again! I mean, I said yes because I thought there could be an opportunity with him. The tears could not be prevented now. These were sad tears - the kind you feel when you know that you have already lost but have to finish the game, the kind you feel when you know that the reason you lost was actually your own, the kind of tears that hurt when they pour because you just realized it was never a competition. You were always second place.

“That’s very past tense,” I said after a while. “Do you know if that’s definitely where it’s headed?”

“The last line? Hmm, I meant specifically last night. Like, while I was out with you. But yes, I see in the context of the rest of the conversation how it reads! I don’t know anything for definite. I just know that we were together for 3.5 years and we are a pretty good fit except for one or two things (big things!). But I know that we are talking about working on those things.”

It’s funny how the direction of a conversation changes with just a few words. A minute ago we were talking about kissing, and how great last night was, and looking forward to our third date. That happened not even 24 hours ago. Now, we did a 180 and I know it’s over. Did I cause this by sharing stuff about myself? I instantly blame myself. But really I think it’s a good thing that I know where he stands with me. Yeah, you had 3.5 years and you are talking about working things out, but then why are you dating? 

I’m not sure when their relationship ended, but he was not over her. It was abundantly clear now. It was something I didn’t feel like prying into because it wasn’t my place. For me, I was over my ex, but I wasn’t over the trauma that his words left behind. So, I want to find someone new and try to have a relationship, but I need to be more cautious this time. And in general, I need to communicate how I feel, otherwise, I’ll just be hiding myself again.

So, I just need to see how this situation plays out. But there is no question in my mind now - I am just something to do while he waits.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I hope it works out if that’s what you want. Just remember not to lead me on. It’s one thing to spend time if you really don’t know where things are going with your ex. But if you know where things are going or where you want them to go - then that just makes me a placeholder until it’s official.” This is the one thing I despise the most in the world, never being good enough. My mother’s favorite is my brother. In school and work, no matter how well I do things people always forget me - literally, my name has been left out at awards ceremonies. My ex, well he only stayed with me because “he didn’t want to hurt me” - because, guess what, he just kept me around until he got tired. I’m sure he’s found someone better by now too. So, yeah, I told Rick, “it sucks to be a placeholder.”

”I understand.”

“Thanks. Otherwise, really, take your time figuring things out because I want you to take me out again, haha” I joked, mostly to lighten up the conversation. I knew this last night, it was obvious, but I never could have guessed that it would happen this quickly. Can the universe just not give me one single freaking second to think I have a chance at happiness? Can it just not let me have one person in the world who would want to be with me not while they hope for someone else? Rick gave me a moment and now he was ready to go back to his life - I thank him for that. I took another look at his message, objectively. “Yeah, I read it how I think you meant it now. Thanks for being honest. And I’m glad you had a nice time with me. I’m glad you didn’t limit yourself by talking with your ex and were open to exploring something that caught your attention.”

With that, the conversation ended.

With that, my heart broke all over again.

…

He followed up the next day. “How’s your day going?”

“Hey, it’s going alright, I just finished work. How’s yours? Heading to class?”

“Yep. Well, grabbing a drink at the bar next door and then heading over. The service at this bar sucks.”

“Oh that’s fun, except for the service it sounds like. You’re very good at impressions. At least you make me laugh. I liked the bar we went to. Chill vibe. Good tables. Except I should have asked you to sit next to me.”

“True! Or I should have just done that!” He said. “But there is something to be said about sitting across from someone so you can look at them.” Sometimes the words he uses remind me that he is a writer. The way he describes some things, how he expresses himself. Like now, the calculated thoughts of sitting across someone to be able to look at them. Just the sentence brought me back to that moment. The peaceful staring, two lost people who found each other interesting, both imagining something about the other. Both imagining realities that would never exist.

“That’s very true.” I said. “Plus, I liked you leaning over. Now I miss your kiss, haha. I’m not as sweet as I seem, Rick.”

…

The next night we connected again.

“Are you awake?” I asked.

“Yes. So, tell me something about you that is not sweet.”

”Haha,” I laughed. We chatted a bit but it was late. “I should go to sleep. Tell me something sweet?”

“You are very beautiful and I really enjoy kissing you and holding your hand and I would like to do so again.” So simple, but something I looked forward to. Even if I knew those moments would not be real, I wanted them to happen. I wanted to be able to have those memories.

“You better!” I replied.

…

Silence. I didn’t hear from him for a few days again. He ignored all my messages. To me, things were obvious. People always hide things as if the other person doesn’t notice. I find it funny. People are terrified of honesty.

…

One morning I woke up and had this gut feeling. It was definitely over and he just didn’t want to tell me. Would he just disappear? I don’t know him well enough to know what he would do, but I needed closure. I had stupidly started to care about this stranger, but the depression would make me feel worse if he just disappeared and I had no answers. The unknowns are too stressful for me - they ruminate. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of ending it myself. 

Dealing with people is all about psychology, they just need a little push. In this case, Rick hated feeling guilty or like he was doing something bad toward someone. So, all I needed to do was play to that and it would push him over the edge. I don’t think it’s manipulative, I think it’s just strategic. But I just wanted it to hit him and just have him get it over with. 

It couldn’t have been easier.

I made a video so that he could see my face (make him feel extra badly) and just said how well I hoped his weekend had gone and that I was looking forward to seeing him. That last part was crucial because he needed to respond to the next steps about that, in this case, letting me know that he would not be seeing me.

A few hours later, it was done.

“Hey, hope the rest of your weekend went well and that you were able to rest. You look beautiful (as always). Sorry for not being ultra responsive. I’ve been thinking a lot about you (and a lot, in general). I’ve been thinking about what you said about not wanting to be a placeholder, and as talks with my ex are progressing, I guess I don’t want you feeling that way.” 

It was textbook on how to end a dating connection nicely, start with a compliment and end with a “but that doesn’t matter because I don’t like you.” Seriously, why is it that I find the world to be just one huge joke. He brought the responsibility back to me again - because of “what I said,” instead of just accepting it’s what he wants. Again no responsibility to him - it was because of “[me] feeling that way” not the fact that it is his decision because of his feelings as well.

He continued, “I’m not so sure it’s a good idea if we should go out again. I really like you and enjoy your company and so maybe it’s easier to cut things now, before maybe we grow to like each other even more?” 

I truly don’t understand why the last part was a question. Is he asking me if I agree to end things now? Do I think we will grow to like each other even more? Does he want to be the victim and for me to provide reassurance that he’s doing the right thing so that once again he can let go of any responsibility in the situation.

I didn’t wait to respond. Mostly because it was exactly what I had planned and waited for. Also, because there needed to be no discussion about it. See… I never had a say in this situation. Even if he’s phrasing things as a question, it doesn’t matter what I say because his mind has been decided. In fact, what would most likely happen is that anything I could say in the opposite direction of his suggestion would just give him reason to confirm that he did the right thing. We had nothing, with his ex he had history and a life, with me it was just a person standing in the way of returning to his life. My life on the other hand, would just go back to what it was - empty - because my life had no impact on his. There is no world where there was anything I could possibly say that would make me matter in this man’s life. And that was just my reality. 

“Ok. I thought that’s where it was heading since I didn’t hear from you. No worries. 

Good luck. To be honest, I hadn’t been feeling like a placeholder, just wanted to make sure you didn’t make me a placeholder. I was really looking forward to seeing you this week. So, I'm just sad about that. But I appreciate the honesty and hope everything goes well. You were a very nice person.”

I didn’t lie about any of that. I wish him all the best, I hope things work out with his ex. I do think he was a very nice person because honestly he did more than many other men I have had to deal with. He communicated a situation and provided updates and technically listened to what I said and ended things when needed. So I appreciated that.

… 

Silence.

You would think that based on the personality he seemed to have he would have replied to that. Just as one human to another. But why would he? He got everything he wanted. He had his cake and ate it too. Would have definitely gone further if I hadn’t spoken up. 

People never cease to astound me.

…

Date with a Ghost - PART III

My friends were as cheery as ever. Sometimes all you need is a day out with your girlfriends. And the fact that it will be followed by a date with the guy you are attracted to, doesn’t hurt.

I had gathered a group of my favorite ladies - Pia, Andy, and Olivia - because I wanted them to meet, and also to try the tea house that Andy had previously introduced me to.

We had tea, brunch, and desserts.

We talked about everything possible.

”So, are you excited for this date? You look gorgeous. What are you guys doing?” Andy asked.

”Bowling and just hanging out for drinks or something.” I replied.

”Are you drinking again?” Olivia asked.

”Not yet. He probably thinks I’m a bit weird because I’m not explaining why I’m not drinking to anyone.” I said.

”It’s alright, you don’t have to drink,” said Pia, “you’ll have a great time.”

We laughed and finished brunch. I took a moment to brush my teeth and reapply my lipstick. 

“You can do this,” I whispered to the face in the mirror. The amount of sadness that I feel is immeasurable. For a moment, I can feel the weight of the last four months just making me sink from the inside. “You can do this,” I say again, firmly, “you’re going to have fun.” I take my stress gummies and join my friends outside.

We went shopping in Koreatown, checked out a beauty store, a bookstore, and a few other places we found.

It was a good day.

We said goodbye to Andy and Olivia. Pia walked with me the rest of the way.

”Are you good?” She asked.

“I’m nervous.”

”But you like this guy, right?”

”Yeah, but I won’t be able to keep him.”

”Why do you say that? The ex thing? Babe, you don’t know what will happen. If he still wants to see you, and if he’s not being a jerk, then you have a chance. Trust me he’d be so lucky.”

”I just can’t get invested.”

”You’re still going, so I’m proud of you. Putting yourself out there while you’re going through so much. I wish you could see yourself how I see you. It’s just the depression, it lies.”

”I will be ok. I really am excited to see him. I like him. I’m just scared.”

”Did you tell him you like him?”

”Sort of.”

“What does that mean?” She knows me too well.

“I told him I liked him over text the other day because he was really nice and I knew I did like him.”

”Tell him in person and don’t hold back.”

”Yeah, I’ll try.”

Pia gave me a huge hug. She often knows me better than I know myself. She’s one of my closest friends, I’ve known her half my life.

…

I walked into the bowling alley. An elevator took me to the registration area.

I saw him standing behind a small crowd of people who were waiting to receive a lane. He saw me. He took a tiny step back. His eyes seemed miles away. If I didn’t know any better I would say he seemed scared. Terrified.

Why would he be terrified?

But I went up and we shared a kiss on the cheek.

”How are you?” I asked.

”Good, I got us on the waitlist.”

“Great, thanks. Glad I didn’t make you wait long this time.”

”Actually, I’ve been here a while. I was trying to win you a stuffed animal at the claw machine.”

I smiled. That is the cutest thing. I would love that stuffed animal to death! “Those machines are so tricky.”

”I have to keep trying.”

”Haha, you don’t, it’s okay. Do you want to play at the arcade?”

”Yeah, sure.”

We started at the basketball hoops section. He found a stool and placed my stuff on top, organized. We competed a bit, and he won. 

“That was fun,” I said.

We walked over to the claw machine and he tried again. No luck. I could tell he really wanted to get me that stuffed animal. I would have wanted it too, he knew exactly which one he wanted to give me. But those machines are rigged.

“Air hockey next?” He asked.

“Sure.”

”Can we make it interesting?” He asked with a mischievous grin.

“What do you have in mind?”

”If I win, then I finally get to kiss you. If you win, then whatever you want.” 

I already knew that I wanted to lose. But I also am usually really good at air hockey. What would I want if I won? I thought. I’d probably still just want him to kiss me. He was obviously thinking about it as much as I was, maybe more. It would be fun to make him wait, tease him a little. Would be fun for me too.  “Sounds like a bet.”

We started playing and I could see his smile. Stupid beautiful smile. Just as intoxicating as the first time I saw it. It’s the type of smile that says a million things without words - and each of those things is a million reasons that make you happy.

He was already winning 3-1. I swear I am not bad at this game. 4-1. Okay, I have to try harder. Yes! 4-2. Slowly he kept winning, 5-2. He knew what his price would be, 6-2. I had to try, 7-2. I could not wait for him to win, 7-3. I wanted to lose. 8-3. And that was the final score. He won.

He made his way around the air hockey table and stood in front of me. He placed one hand on my waist and the other on my cheek. He leaned in - a soft kiss. Lips soft but firm. An intro kiss. 

He pulled away slightly, our faces still close.

”So, Mario Kart?” He said.

”Yeah,” I smiled.

We made our way to Mario Kart. Okay, this I knew I was good at.

“Are you any good?”

”I mean, I’m alright.” 

We chose our characters, we chose our cars, and the race began. A few seconds later, I was first. “What!” He said.

”Don’t be sad that you lost, it just means I’m better than you.” I laughed.

I saw this glint in his eye. I knew he loved that I had beat him. I’m glad he was the kind of guy that didn’t take this badly, and just enjoyed the competition. Also, I loved that he had the idea of betting. I loved playing games. The foreplay. The anticipation.

He ran to the restroom and upon his return he asked if we should play again.

”Are you ready to lose again?”

There it was, the small glint of pleasure in his eyes again.

I beat him one more time. “So sad, you lost again,” I laughed. He didn’t say anything but he smiled. “Let’s go see if our lane is ready!” I said.

It was. Luckily we got a corner lane. Dark. Isolated. Only another couple was in the lane next to us.

”A beer for me,” he told the waiter.

”I’ll have a strawberry lemonade,” I said.

We set up names for each other, he named me kitten on the screen, I do hate cats though. But it was a cute pet name. I couldn’t think of a good one for him, so Rick it was.

We started playing. We were both just okay, him better of course. The waiter brought our drinks over, “can I get you anything else?” Rick shook his head, “no, thanks man.”

After each of our turns, we would sit next to each other and exchange a few words. Getting to know each other more.

I was not going to do well in this game. But that wasn’t the purpose. I sat down and felt his hand touch my back. He placed a small gentle kiss on my neck. I turned slightly to see his face, we both slightly smiled.

After a couple more frames, he asked, “can I kiss you again?”

I wanted nothing more, but needed to make it interesting, “if you get a strike you can.” Neither of us had gotten a strike yet.

He grinned. Understood. Not a word. Grabbed the bowling ball and made his way to the line. I watched impatiently, this time standing so that I could watch every move. He prepared himself. Good posture. And he let the ball go. 

Before the ball had reached the pins, he turned around, his face confident and determined. We heard the crash. “Strike” read the screen above. He was a man on a mission. I was frozen. He walked straight to me, wrapped his arms around me, dipped me slightly, and kissed me. Firm this time. Taking control. This kiss was longer, possessive, and passionate. It was perfection. It was a scene out of a movie. I didn’t want it to end.

When he pulled away he only said one thing, “you didn’t think I would get that strike, huh.” I shook my head no. “I really wanted that strike,” he said.

After that, all I wanted was to feel his lips on mine again.

We kept playing, making things more and more interesting with little bets. He kept winning. I’m usually good at flirting when I know the guy likes me, but my head was so distracted, I could not come up with any good bets. The waiter kept coming by, “we’re all good,” Rick would say, obviously giving him the signal that meant you don’t need to keep interrupting. But the guy just wasn’t getting it.

We shared secrets, made small in-the-moment bets, made cute sexy bets for the future. Simply put, we had fun. 

When we finished, he helped me to get my stuff ready. We took the elevator - needed to cash in on a small bet. Haha.

“Let’s get something to eat,” he said.

”Do you know any good places around here?” I asked. 

He mentioned a few places. “Do you have any suggestions for what you like?”

”I’m good with something light because I ate earlier. Do you want empanadas?”

”Sure, lead the way.”

As we walked, he held my hand. He stood on the outside on the sidewalk. If we crossed, he would switch sides to make sure I was always protected. He stopped to help an unhoused person and say hello. Then he came right back to me, his hand in mine. 

I felt safe with him. I felt he appreciated me. I felt he was glad to be spending this time with me. I had no question that this man was into me, at least at this moment.

Within a few minutes of arriving at the restaurant, we were seated. The waiter was cool, quite attractive, and very nice. Empanadas were delicious, as always. I went to the restroom, brushed my teeth and freshened up my lipstick. When I came back out, he held up my coat to put it on for me.

He was an absolute gentleman. This was the kind of man I wanted in my life. I don’t think I ever thought about it before. My ex was extremely far from being a gentleman, he did things to consider me when we were together, but he would still be a thousand miles from Rick. I’m not saying Rick is better than my ex. But Rick is what I want that I never thought I wanted.

I want to keep him.

We left the restaurant in search of a bar. We found one directly across the street. We didn’t know it yet, but it was the perfect place. We found a small booth, with a small space on the brick wall. The table was small enough that our knees touched. It was also small enough that he could just lean forward and kiss me. 

I finally had a sip of his beer. I really wished I had a drink in me at this point. Just to help me be more sociable. But I couldn’t risk it just hitting me the wrong way and making me tear up.

We played truth or dare and learned so much about each other. We talked writing, we talked movies, we talked directors, we talked comic books, we talked relationships, we talked desires. We didn’t talk sometimes. He reached under the table and gently caressed my thigh. “Come here,” he said, I did as he asked and he kissed me slightly. Every time he’d kiss me I’d laugh and at one point he laughed first anticipating my laugh.

”May I touch your hair?” I asked.

”Sure,” he said and leaned over. I touched the hair above his ears, a bit of salt and pepper showing through the light brunette. I played with his beard. I played with his collar.

”I love salt and pepper hair on a man.”

“Well, that’s lucky for me then.” 

He held my hand as we talked. Caressing the top of my hand, just like at the coffee shop, placing light kisses on it.

We alternated between playing games, kissing, laughing, and just plain staring at each other. We told each other jokes, he made some amazing actor impressions. He confessed how much he had loved it when I teased him over Mario Kart.

The quiet moments of looking into each other’s eyes are what I miss the most. I could stare into his eyes for eternity. I could sit in that silence, as long as he was next to me. He pulled my face in for a kiss, a long gentle one, he pulled away slightly with our foreheads still touching, eyes closed. He was just in the moment with me. That made me feel so incredibly content and peaceful - this is exactly what I want to have with someone. My mind was feeling a bit sad. I thought I would tear up from the thought that this was the happiest moment I had experienced in six months. With essentially still a stranger - I didn’t know anything about him really, or him about me.

“This is the best date I’ve had,” I whispered.

”Then you haven't had a lot of dates,” he answered with a small smile.

“That’s true, but it’s still the best.” I couldn’t tell him what I had gone through the last six months, what I was still going through, it was really the better part of a year to be honest. I couldn’t tell him that I was thankful I met him and that in this moment all I could wish for was to have more moments like this with him.

“How about for our next date we have our proper dinner, nice restaurant,” he said, “and then maybe our next outing would you be interested in coming by me? I can show you some places I like.” And we could cash in on some of those bets, I thought, and I know he was thinking it too.

“I can’t wait,” I smiled.

It was time to go, I needed to catch my last bus. He needed to leave early the next morning to spend the day with his sister.

”I’ll get you an Uber,” he said.

”I prefer the bus, I don’t have the best experiences in cabs.”

”Are you sure?”

”Definitely, the bus is relaxing and drops me across the street from my place.”

”Then I will walk you there.”

The walk. Another opportunity for him to hold my hand. This time I held onto this arm. I loved walking with him.

“Sometimes I don’t hear from you.”

“Sorry, the app isn’t good at notifications, and I don’t always check it. Sometimes I see it and then forget to go back in.”

“You could just take my number, you know.”

“I didn’t ask because I didn’t know if you were ready.”

“Yeah, I am.”

While we waited for the red light, he gave me his number.

He threw his arm around me and pulled me close. We stopped for a small kiss. He told me about his family. He sang me songs and recited some Shakespeare. I love writers. We create the worlds we dream of.

“Do you like karaoke?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s fun. We should do that together.”

“I’m going with my friend in a few weeks, you should join us. Bring your best friend if you want. Just a group hanging out.”

”Cool.”

We made it to the bus stop, about 20 minutes to wait for my bus to arrive. It was time for more games.

”Truth or dare,” I asked.

”Truth.”

”What was your favorite moment tonight?”

”That’s an easy one. When we were bowling, every time you went up, I got to watch you. You’re gorgeous.” This time I motioned him to kiss me. You can’t say that and not kiss me.

“Truth or dare,” he asked.

”Dare,” I replied.

”Kiss me, as you wish.”

I pulled him in close and kissed him until he couldn’t help but take back control and kiss me harder.

”Truth or dare,” I asked.

”Truth.”

”What do you wish you were doing right now?”

“I just wish I had some more time with you.” He caressed my face. He held the side of my head to pull me back in. Kisses upon kisses. We could feel time running out and all we wanted was to be with each other.

I could see his eyes. Behind them there was what seemed to be a bit of sadness. Maybe he really did like me, at least at that moment. My ex used to tell me he only loved me sometimes. I never understood that, if you love someone then you just love them. I came to realize that some people, mostly men I think, are all about the feelings during a specific moment - if we kiss then I love you, if we fight then I don’t love you. 

Rick liked me at this moment, this evening, I think he could see what the possibility of a romantic connection with me could look like. But I think he also knew that he would never be mine because his ex was what he wanted. I was just a fun night until he made it official with her.

The sadness was overwhelming again.

My bus was close.

”If we see each other again, we’ll have to chat more about what we like, and play more games,” I said.

”What do you mean ‘if’?” He asked, “I already planned two more dates.”

”Yeah.” I tried to smile, reassuringly.

When my bus arrived he gave me a final kiss and let go of my hand, “let me know when you get home.” He walked a few steps away and then he turned around to look at me.

His eyes far away in thought. They told a whole story again. I know he knew it too. That would be the last time we saw each other. I knew the tears were no longer something I could hold back - some happy, most sad.

That would be the last time I would feel his kiss again.

Rick would never be mine to keep.

…

Date with a Ghost - PART II

A couple of days went by and I sent a hello. But I didn’t hear back.

The next day I sent another hello, “Just felt like saying hi, in case you’re around, but I also don’t want to bombard you with messages. I hope you had a nice day and have a good night.” 

I think I shouldn’t have sent this message. Maybe he lost interest or his attention is elsewhere. It is a dating app. He is connecting with other women the same way he is with me - they might all be “prettier than their pictures.” I mean, I’m talking to other men also, but none in the same way that I am with him.

I have a very bad habit of feeling invested in situations or with people. For dating, you need to not care, is what I have learned. You need to be able to decide if you like someone but at the same time you are not supposed to like them - that way when they choose someone else you can say it doesn’t matter but you are also not supposed to feel anything about it. I do not understand that. It’s just not how my romantic and sexual attractions function. I wasn’t made for these dating apps, or just dating in general really.

I realized how the contact reminds me of my ex. It wasn't welcomed of me to reach out much, he would just ignore my messages until it was a convenient time for him. He would tell me that wanted to be the first person there for me, but then he’d ignore my messages, so how could he ever be there for me? The sad part is that it also reminds me of my personality when it came to dealing with my ex. I put up with it all and still tried to connect. But I didn’t like having to feel like I was chasing. Most importantly, having to wonder why an action was happening, what I had done wrong, the wait leads to an incredible amount of anxiety.

But, it is a dating app, afterall, so I’m sure he’s talking to a lot of women. I am talking to a few men but I’m not interested in any of them in that way.

Another day went by and I got a “Hi! I don’t mind being bombarded, I just had a busy day and didn’t get to check the app. You can definitely bombard me, haha.”

I didn’t respond. I also have a bad habit of making myself too available. There are so many rules. So much guessing. I was feeling too down today, so I didn’t work again. Furniture building time! During this depressive episode, I could have built a two story home by now.

“All good, just saying hi,” I answered much later and a bit detached. Not because I wanted to be but because I need to learn how to not care. 

I had therapy that day and told my therapist that I am working on how to open up but also not attach myself. I would like to give up again and just turn everything off. I think this was enough practice. My therapist said not to pull back and to try to communicate. To tell someone, Rick, feelings and such. But my feelings feel immature and I feel idiotic sharing them. It’s obvious to anyone that I have no experience in this area. How am I supposed to date men my age when I don’t know how to speak to them? But I did as suggested.

So I messaged again, a short while later, “write to me later if you’re free, I’m just building more furniture.”

That evening, he did write to me. “How is the furniture building coming along?” I was glad that he did because he could have just ignored it. 

Maybe he did want to catch up. I still felt dumb for doing this. I cannot explain why it is that I feel this way - it’s an overwhelming feeling of being an inconvenience and that people pity me. My doctors tell me it’s just a symptom of the depression and my close friends are very patient with me. But I can’t help it, I just don’t want anyone to do something because they feel they should or to just be nice. It didn’t help that my ex said he only stayed with me because he didn’t want to hurt me, i.e., he pitied me. I never want to go through that again.

“Hi!” I was so excited to see his text. “It’s coming along, but I’m exhausted. How was work?”

“Fairly boring. You know, I would have helped you build the furniture.” His message made me smile, again, much the opposite of my ex. I didn’t ask for that so maybe he meant it. But also it made me wish that could have been an activity we did together. However, I don’t live alone and I hadn’t disclosed that information yet. So, I just said thank you. 

My mind went straight to picturing him in my bedroom, helping me build things. Laughing. Being silly. The jokes. The moment when our eyes couldn’t stop staring at each other and we’d finally kiss. Again, I felt immature thinking about those cliche moments of romance. The things we think will make us feel happy. I think for me it’s more the idea that since I don’t forget anything, those are happy moments that I can replay in my mind.

“What are you up to now?” I asked.

After about an hour he replied, “I am trying to figure out how to make my Halloween costume.”

“Ooh, what are you dressing up as? I have actually been looking at which parties are happening in the city.” I had been looking into it wondering if I should suggest we go to one together. But I think that’s probably too advanced, we aren’t there yet.

Silence.

After some time I said, “Alright, well, I guess I hope you have a good night.”

The next day I see his message in the morning, “what are you going to dress up as?” He had asked much later and I had already gone to bed. I debated responding because it was obvious he didn’t want to be speaking to me. I’m not even sure why he’d respond. His mind was on something else, or someone else. It was obvious to me.

“I don’t know,” I replied, “but I hope you are able to make your costume. And have fun.” I was certainly dismissive. He was just dragging me along, the one thing I had asked him not to do. Men are all the same, they like to have options for when others fall through. 

He seems quite disinterested now. I hope whoever she is that she’s nice to him, he seemed like a nice person. I definitely don’t want to get attached in any way or chase or feel unwanted. Sucks, I liked Rick. 

I needed to push him to reject me, because he was obviously just going to keep dragging me along. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to reject someone, especially when I like them. So, I gave him an out for dinner. “If you still want to have dinner sometime, just let me know. If not, let me know too. It is absolutely fine either way. No pressure.”

Now we just had to wait for him to take the bait.

Maybe he was one of those guys who waits until the woman cuts things off so that they feel like they have no responsibility in the matter.

…

Later that day I headed into the city to meet a friend for an art exhibit. That’s when I got the message.

“This is very bad timing for this to happen. Sorry I haven’t been more communicative, but my brain has just been in kind of a whirlwind. My ex contacted me again and we have been talking, long talks, and I don’t know what will come of that. It seems like something. I would love to take you out again, but you said not to lead you on and so I am letting you know right away so that you can decide if you would still like to have dinner with me. If not, I totally understand.”

Typical man, he turned things around so that he still puts the decision on me to end things! Probably because he doesn’t want to seem like a jerk. On the other hand though, I do appreciate the honesty. If he is being honest. Maybe he was already back with the ex or maybe he never had not been single. A part of me told me neither or those were true, but let’s face it, I have no idea how to read a man.

I don’t actually know what he wants me to say though. Would he just like me to end it or is he asking because he hopes I don’t end it? I wish we did not have this conversation via text, this would be better via a phone call at least. 

What do I want? I want to have a chance. That’s all. If I’m not good enough then that’s okay, I’m not expecting much. I just want to have a fair chance at something I want.

I cannot be sentimental, though. So, I can only be what I know that I am, objective. Always doing things for the happiness of the other person. So I replied.

“Hey, oh, thanks for telling me. I mean, that’s great if you want them back. I think it’s up to you. For me, I’m talking to other people as well, it’s a dating app, so it’s not a matter of that. Since we had also discussed the possibility of friendship, I’m open to going to dinner, if that’s something that you are still interested in. But I think you need to figure out if that’s something you want to do now or if you want the space to explore something with your ex. I think ultimately only you know how emotionally available you would be.” I think that’s the psychologist in me, but I also know that I want to continue to try to put myself out there. “How about this - take the time to consider all the things you need to consider regarding your ex - within yourself, I mean. And if you truly would really love to take me out to dinner again just reach out and let me know.”

Instantly, “I would.” He wrote. “I would really love to. I enjoyed your company quite a bit.” The confidence made me smile. It was him giving me a chance.

“Good choice, then take me to dinner, Rick.” I wrote, confidently.

“What’s your schedule like next week?” He asked.

…

I get to see my friend, Andy, tonight. She’s awesome. She was able to snag some tickets to a museum tonight. It was great that she invited me to join, I know she is helping to get me out of the house. “Thanks so much for the invite!” I said as I gave her a hug.

”Hi! Have you been to this museum before?” she asked.

“Not really, just the first floor. What are we checking out tonight?” 

“There is a new exhibit on Alvin Ailey.”

“Awesome, let’s go see it.” 

We spent the better part of an hour walking around the museum hall to see every item that had been included in the collection. It was calming. We were in a crowd but everyone was in their own world. I knew my friend was close if I needed her.

“What else do you want to check out?” I asked when we reached the end.

”That was all for today. Let me show you the rooftop, it’s pretty neat.”

We headed upstairs and passed through a small cafe, out a door, up a small set of stairs and suddenly we were overlooking the water, Little Island, and had a clear view of the Empire State Building. This city is truly captivating.

After a few pictures we headed back inside. There was a hall filled with citrus trees. All different kinds. We strolled through.

”So how have you been feeling?” Andy asked.

”I’ve been a bit better actually. Calmer.”

”I’m so happy to hear that! Have you been meeting any new people, did you try the dating app?”

”I did, actually. I met this guy, Rick, he’s pretty cool. We had a date at a coffee shop and I can see myself falling for him, if given the chance. Which is dangerous.”

”You can’t stop smiling as you talk about him, did you realize that?”

I smiled again. “I know. I think it might be over though.”

”Why do you say that?”

“He has been doing that thing men do where they ignore you and don’t speak words. So I gave him an out from our second date, he seemed disinterested. On my way here, he told me his ex is back in the picture.”

”Oh, I’m sorry, yeah that will never work. But you tried.”

“Yeah, I know.”

”I mean, it also won’t work for them. Everyone knows getting back together with an ex is a bad move.”

”I know, but it’s not my place to point that out. I would, as a friend, but we’re not friends because we are dating. But we won’t be dating when he gets back with the ex, and then we definitely will not be able to be friends.”

“This sounds like it just became a hot mess. What did you tell him?”

“I told him that I’m seeing other people, and if he’s just talking to the ex it’s kinda like if he was just talking to other women on the app. Except, it’s a woman he has history with, so I’m at a disadvantage.” I kept calculating all this in my mind while I outlined it for Andy. Her face disapproving, so now I definitely felt that I did the wrong thing. “I told him it’s not my decision, because we just had one date and I don’t have any claim over him, so it’s not my decision. He needs to know what he wants. I told him if he’s emotionally available then we can hang out, he said that’s what he wants but I just realized I don’t even know if he meant as a friend or a date.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to not do what I have done every single freaking time in my life and just put myself second because I think I will never be chosen anyway. And every time, everyone else gets together and I’m alone and sad. I want to bypass the part where I think everyone is better off without me and that I’m just intruding in their lives. Especially with this stranger who gave me a chance.” 

“You gave him a chance too.”

“It’s different, I don’t have anything in my life.” Andy looked at me with sadness. “So, I said I’m fine with it because I would rather be an option than non-existent in the equation.”

“Are you ok with that?” 

“I’m ok with him figuring things out and us hanging out. But the objective psychologist in me actually thinks that he should take a break from dating and explore this thing with the ex. Because consider this, if he dates us both at the same time, then I will always lose since she has the advantage, as opposed to if he had simply met someone else on the dating app, another new person. Then we would be on equal ground. But in this situation, his mind will always choose what he knows and is certain about. Her.”

”Ok…”

”But if I stay as part of the equation he also will never truly know me because he would just compare me to who he does know, her. I lose either way. And if he ever chose me, he would wonder about her. And I would too.”

“I see what you mean. I agree, if he goes the ex route he should take a break. But he also should really not go the ex route.”

“I don’t know if I’m doing anything right. Most people will probably call me stupid.”

”Do you think you are doing the right thing?”

“I think I am trying to be brave and take a risk and try to explore something I developed interest in.”

“Then I think it’s good, as long as you are doing it for you. And you’re making decisions again. That’s mental progress!”

“Haha, that is true.”

”Ok, let’s head uptown, I want empanadas!”

”You had me at empanadas.”

… 

The next day, I wanted to say hi to Rick. The chat with Andy had given me more courage. “Hey, you said I can bombard you, haha, so…” I proceeded to tell him all about the museum, the sites, and the nice time.

He shared about his last experience at a cool museum, seeing the old cars and locomotives. However, seeing Rocky’s robe was his favorite. 

“I’m going to Philly next month and will check out the Rocky statue.” I said.

”What are you up to?”

”I’m just finishing up bowling with my friends.”

“Oh wow, we should go bowling together.”

”Oh definitely, you can teach me how to ‘throw the ball,’ haha,” I joked. “Wait, my app says we are 1 mile away.”

”Yeah, I’m closer than that if you’re at the bowling alley on 42nd.”

”No, I’m in Chelsea. See…” and I took a selfie by the water. Got three little heart eyed emojis from him as a response.

He was probably working. I headed home and said goodbye to my friends at the subway station. About 12 minutes in, the train came to a screeching halt in the middle express track of a midtown station. They turned the air off inside the train. Great.

“Hey, so what are you up to? In true NYC fashion, I’m stuck on a train as they investigate something.” A couple minutes later I read the updates on the subway app and the conductor started coming through the train to check on the passengers. “We’re going to be here for a while,” I messaged, “it appears my train struck someone.”

”Omg, hope they’re alive. I am just at work.”

“Oh right, I won’t bug you at work.”

…

The station was cleared and caution tape was placed. We watched as the fire department and other first responders arrived at the scene. We were stuck in that train for nearly two hours. The incident had sadly been fatal. The conductor came through again, “avert your eyes, don’t let the little ones look out the window, the crew will be passing through and you don’t want them to see that.”

My anxiety immediately kicked in. I started feeling out of breath - “not now, not now, not now,” I started chanting my mantra in my mind. I searched my bag for what felt like an eternity until I found my stress gummies and took a couple. I threw on my headphones and my baseball cap. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the sound. Breathing through it.

The train started moving after a few minutes.

I finally made it to my intended stop. It’s raining now. I cannot seem to stop myself from crying. A lot. I can’t stop thinking of that poor person who maybe felt they had no other recourse for their pain. Two months ago, that was me. I feared getting close to the subway station because the intrusive thoughts were too overpowering. It’s not normal to look at an approaching train and wonder if it’s fast enough or walk over a bridge and stare over the side wondering if it’s high enough. When I was at my worst, I still told myself to keep trying. To think that if I had gone through with anything then there could be a traumatized group of train riders sitting through what I just sat through.

No matter what, I need to keep trying in life.

I just need to.

…

“So what happened?” Rick messaged later that evening.

”It was a long day…” and I proceed to share the highlights.

“That is so crazy. And sad. And scary.”

“All of the above. I need to decompress so I’m making some hot chocolate and going to watch a show. I need to laugh. Any shows you like?”

”Yeah, today was a tough one. You know? I tend to just rewatch shows I really like over and over again.”

”Haha, I do that too. Like millions of times.”

We spent a while talking about shows, which was nice.

Then I finally worked up the courage, “can I ask you something I forgot to ask yesterday? Just to make sure, are we going to dinner as friends or as a date?”

“Well, without knowing what the future might hold for my ex and I while we go through this ‘can we make it work’ period, I would love for it to be a date with you. But if that’s weird for you, I’m cool with it just being a friendly dinner. So you let me know. But yeah, I want it to be a date because I would really like to kiss you at some point if you’d let me.”

I blush, so glad he can’t see me. I add a little heart emoji to the message. “I want it to be a date, but I forgot to ask and didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

”Then it’s a date.”

”Did you finish work?”

“Yes.”

”Can I be a weirdo?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me something sweet? Not like a compliment, more like a funny anecdote or anything. I don’t want to keep thinking about the train.” This was the most vulnerable I could make myself right now. Asking this stranger for support. I had not been able to stop crying for hours.

“Something sweet? Can we start with a compliment? I think you are really hot.” 

“Really hot, huh?” I smiled.

“And how about I tell you some embarrassing things too, as a distraction?”

We had such great laughs, talking about favorite Pokémon characters and my shark plush toy, and many more things.

”Are you good at bowling?” He asked.

”Sometimes. Are you good at bowling?”

“Not really. Mediocre. But it’s fun.”

“Maybe we can have dinner and go bowling? But like dinner at a real restaurant.”

“Sounds very fun.” Already I loved that he planned the date. Another thing I want in a man, which was lacking before. I don’t mind planning at all, I actually enjoy it, but it’s so great to see the effort.

“We can make a bet on the game.”

“Um, yes please! Haha”

”Can we make it a bit interesting? Romantically? Haha sorry”

“I love the ‘sorry’ after you asked, and that sounds super fun.”

“Cool!”

”Is it weird that I already kind of hope I lose? Haha.”

“No, haha.”

”Now, I’m thinking about you.”

”Why does the message say ‘edited’? You can edit too! What was the original?”

“I misspelled ‘you,’ haha.”

”I mean, it is a tough word.”

“I missed the ‘o’!”

“I know what ‘yu’ mean, haha.”

“Haha, I like talking with you,” I smiled when I wrote it. Another brave moment coming up… “Things that I’m thinking about: (1) I’m picturing us at bowling, (2) I’m picturing us spending time together, and (3) I'm picturing you kissing me.”

”Well, now I’m thinking of all of those things as well.”

I sent him a hug emoji. “I like you (based on your question from days ago).”

”I like you too.”

”Send me that kiss in advance?”

He sent me every kiss emoji available, and hugs.

“I have to work on my costume for the party tomorrow, later tonight actually.” It’s already the middle of the night.”

”Let me know what you end up dressing up as.”

”Wish me luck.”

“Good luck!”

We said our goodbyes. 

I was so glad that I connected with him, he truly helped me through a tough day. Even if he didn’t fully know how tough it had been.

…

“How are you?” I heard from him the day after the party.

”Good, just working. How was the party, what did you dress up as?”

“It was good, I was the Joker.”

“That’s awesome.” I could imagine him as the joker. I also wondered if the ex was at the party.

”What’s your schedule like? When are you free?”

”I have brunch with the girls on Saturday, but can meet you after.”

”That works! 5pm?”

“Yes.”

“How late do you want to stay out?”

”My last bus home is at midnight, so I have plenty of time.”

It was only Monday. Saturday could not arrive fast enough.

I had a great time with him so I actually truly am looking forward to our next date. 

I want him to kiss me. 

I want to see if he’ll ask. 

…

We connected in the coming days. Definitely for Halloween.

And suddenly, it is finally Saturday!

“Will I be seeing you later today?” He asked.

“Yes, 5pm-ish. Let me know where to meet you.” I had a mess on my bed, clothes thrown everywhere. I need to look fancy, but chill, but cute. How the hell am I supposed to do this? A dress? Too fancy and I wore a different dress on our first date. Plus, not right for bowling.

”It should be noted that I almost want to cancel because I’m all self-conscious today, but I will soldier through if you promise not to judge me.” 

Is he trying to get out of the date? I mean, this would be in line with the usual events of my life. ”Rick! First of all, I’m sure you look great. Second, don’t cancel. I’m really looking forward to hanging out with you.”

“Okay! Well, first, I don’t. But second, I won’t. I forget, are you vegetarian?”

“No, but I'm not a fan of seafood. Meat is great though.” Ok, back on track. I need to also look comfortable for brunch with the girls and then be able to transition to an evening date.

“Do you want to just do bowling/drinks/bar food today? I will take you out to a proper dinner sometime very soon? I can come to your area. Sorry, I procrastinated!”

His message could not have come at a better time. “Yeah, that sounds great actually!”

”Ok cool.”

And with that change, I had the perfect outfit. Tight black pants and a cute black tee shirt with black booties. I’m really going to have to wear some color sometime soon. I grab my small brown bag and just toss everything inside - wallet, mints, lipstick, toothbrush and stress gummies. 

If I don’t hurry I will miss the bus and be late for brunch with my friends. I ran out the door. I am so excited for tonight!

…

Date with a Ghost - PART I

Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes you get in life’s way.

Society tells us that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I do not believe that is the correct approach but I do get the appeal. If someone new is taking up space in your mind then you won’t have time to think about the old someone. What I need right now is to stop thinking about the old someone. I need to get back out there - to the virtual space where single people like to play in our modern world. Men are not just going to come to show up at my door (thankfully, that would certainly be creepy).. 

It’s been three months since my unfortunate depressive episode kicked into full gear, which coincided with my breakup. No need to say it, of course it had something to do with it. The breakup was what did the kicking. But lately I’m doing everything the doctors tell me and I have started to have some good days. although the bad days are really bad.

I just want to find something or someone that can bring some joy into my life. But they can never know what I’m going through because the whole point is to have an escape from my reality. But most importantly, the goal is that I get well enough to be with someone.

Depression is not something you discuss on the first date, you know. It’s something that you have to disclose at the right time - before they are invested, after you know if you want to see each other again, but most importantly, only to be disclosed at the time when you are comfortable.

…

I haven’t used this dating account for over a year. I didn't need to. I had a boyfriend that supposedly loved me, but let’s face it, the jerk just lied his way into my pants and my wallet. Who never gets you a present? Who never makes plans to see you? Who doesn’t miss you enough to be able to go days without messaging you? Who cares more about their friends being close than about being close to his girlfriend when discussing the future? 

But what woman sticks around a man like that? It says more about me than it does him. So I have to stop thinking about him because the past is gone.

This time I can use the lessons I learned and find someone that I can spend time with who is equally invested. Someone who doesn’t take me for granted. Someone who shows me they are interested in me and makes an effort. However, I’m not getting a boyfriend, this will be a relaxed dating experience, for practice, and just see where life takes us because men tend to disappoint.

Within two hours I had about 70 matches and over 15 private messages to review. This is why I don’t trust these dumb apps - men just swipe without reading the profile. You have your serial daters, your nice guys, your perverts, the guys who don’t know how to talk to women, and of course a select few who actually are worth meeting.

After a couple of days, I came across the profile of this cute dude that sparked my attention. Rick. Just a few years older, seems to know what he wants, his self description is adorably funny, and I like his profile pictures. He is genuinely himself. But most importantly, he seems to like Halloween. If you know me, you know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. We like a lot of the same things but we also have some differences and I’m not sure how important those will be. I think it through for a while because I’m not sure if he is someone I would be attracted to, but I sort of want to meet him. What the hell, I think to myself, and swipe right.

I keep going through profiles for another 5 minutes then tire myself out.

…

“How’s dating going?” asks Pia. I have been so isolated that I haven’t been seeing any of my friends. The funny thing is that many of them haven’t even noticed because they don’t reach out. Pia has been checking on me nonstop and asking to see me, she’s my closest friend so I need to make time.

“I wish I didn’t have to do it,” I said with a sad smile.

“I know, babe, but that guy was not good enough for you, we could all see it,” she sighs, “but now you do too and that’s a good thing because you know what you don’t want.”

“I know, I think I always knew it. I tried so hard to be there for him and when I needed him, he said ‘his problems were bigger than mine.’ Who the hell does that!”

“I’m proud of you for trying during a time that has been so difficult for you. You’re going to meet someone who shows you that they see how great you are.”

“Thanks,” I started feeling the emotions overwhelm me. “It’s alright if I don’t, it’s just something the doctors want me to try. And I agree that human contact might help.”

“Have you been back at work?”

“I’ve just been working part time basically. I can’t focus, I’m processing information much slowly, and I just feel like I’m failing there too.”

“You have been there for years, it’s okay to need some time to yourself.”

“I just don’t feel like myself though. This isn’t me. I tried my whole life to keep my depression as managed as possible. I never thought that I could get this bad.”

“That’s why you have your friends, and your mom. Okay… you have me.”

The tears started slowly sliding down my cheek. “Okay, time to change the subject. I still can’t control the crying.” I tried to laugh.

“So, let it out.”

“Not now, we’re in public,” I had enough experience crying in public lately. Thankfully it’s New York City though, so no one looks at you twice. “Let’s go have our girls day.”

Pia led the way. I would follow her anywhere.

…

I went on the app just to see what guys were sharing - I met physicists, teachers, firefighters, ex-soccer players, an orchestra musician, tech specialists, actors, you name a profession and I met them. 

Suddenly, a message pops up, “You and Rick connected”. A faint smile came across my face. I clicked on the chat and read the first message “pleased to meet you! Pandas are pretty wonderful, can’t argue with that!” 

I laughed to myself, very cute note to take from my profile, and kudos to him for reading through. “Hi Rick, right, who doesn’t love a huge cuddly panda. So, is The Shining a favorite? I liked your costume.”

“Well, Jack Nicholson is one of my favorite actors and I needed a Halloween costume. I realize maybe I should reconsider including a photo of me holding an axe with a murderous glint in my eye on a profile for a dating app.”

“Lol. I mean I’m a horror movie fan, so I enjoyed the dedication.”

“Well then it worked, haha. What are some of your favorite horror flicks?”

“I’m always looking for something that really gets me. Not a fan of gore, more a love of any psychological thrillers with a bit of an edge. Lately, I’ve been into found footage films.”

“I don’t mind some gore, but in such an over-the-top way that it’s more fun than disturbing. But I don’t care much for anything grotesque.” 

This went on for a while until after midnight. We compared movies we prefer, the ones our friends made us watch, the ones we had heard of, the really old black and white ones, and just laughed at the creativity of humans.

…

A couple of days went by and suddenly I saw a message come in, “I mean this with all due respect… you are very beautiful!” He shared some more notes based on my profile, which is nice to know that he was still checking it out.

I responded to all his messages.

I waited for his follow up, but it never came.

I figured the updates on my profile must have scared him off or he simply met someone else he was more interested in continuing conversation with. But that’s normal for dating apps, after all that’s the whole point.

His profile also said he was open to friendship, so I didn’t disconnect from it. More friends never hurt.

…

About two weeks later, I came across this silly list of movie recommendations for the upcoming Halloween holiday. Rick instantly crossed my mind. I debated for a while, he obviously wasn’t interested in talking with me anymore but he also had not disconnected our profiles. Although guys do that, keep backups, like files on a drive. What the hell, I thought to myself, it’s just a dumb movie list, the worst that happens is he disconnects. “Hey Rick,” I wrote, “this is random but I saw this list and thought I’d share it with you.”

A short while later I received a response, “I like number 6, I’ll definitely check that one out! Thanks for the list. How have you been? And would you like to grab a coffee/drink/some lunch someday soon?”

I thought about it for a few minutes. I hope he didn’t just ask because maybe he didn’t know what else to say or thought that’s why I reached out, using the movie list as a ruse. But I need to practice dating. “Anytime, I thought you’d like the list. I’m doing alright, how about you?” I debated again, a bit terrified this time. “Sure, we can grab a coffee or something sometime.”

I put my phone down and the tears came rolling down my cheeks. I was taking a risk again. Somehow, telling a new man that I’d go out with him felt like cheating. That made me feel weird. But the tears were also because I knew it was over with my ex and moving on was something I needed to do.

“I would like that. And yeah, I’m doing alright.”

“Great. To be honest all the next three weekends are booked for me, but I can find some time, what days are good for you?”

I had weddings, birthday parties, and travel. But I think I wanted to find the time, at least for a new horror movie friend. 

…

I reached out to Pia the next day to let her know that I had said yes to someone. 

“I’m so proud of you,” she texted.

“But I’m not sure when I can see him.”

“We’re having brunch on Sunday. Ask him if he’s free. You can book over me.”

“No! I want to see you.”

“Ok, then ask him for a time either before or after you see me.”

“Before, then we can talk about how it goes! And also then I have a reason to leave if I don’t like him.”

“The silliness! Fine.” Pia sighed, but I could tell she was happy for me.

I grabbed my phone that night and wrote to him. “Hey Rick, not sure where you are in the city, but on Sunday I’ll be there to have brunch with a friend. Would you like to meet earlier to grab a coffee or something?”

“Sure! I’m not far, I can definitely meet for coffee. What time works best for you?”

“Noon?”

“Noon works. What part of the city?”

“Whichever is best for you. Is there a place you like? I’m also happy to provide recommendations.” 

“I’m always open to suggestions because I am super indecisive.” I sent over a few options, secretly hoping he would choose my favorite. That he did. “Let’s do the coffee and flower shop, it’s so cute.”

”Perfect. See you at noon.”

”Will be there!”

…

Our first date was a month to the date of when we first started talking on the app.

Out of all days my bus decided to detour. Leave it to public transportation in the city over the weekend to always delay the plans.

”I’m so sorry, I’m running late.” I messaged.

”No problem. I’ll be leaning up against a tree outside.”

I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. The detour had affected all traffic on Fifth Avenue and now it was all in front of us on Lexington Ave. I convinced the bus driver to let me out at a red light and hurried over to the meeting spot as quickly as possible. 

I had decided to wear a sporty black dress with a small black leather jacket. October weather is still pretty nice if the chill hasn’t kicked in. 

As I waited for the light to change, I saw him standing there, white pants, blue sweatshirt, red shirt, sunglasses, leaning against a tree. He was not at all who I pictured. I instantly knew I would have a nice date.

”Hey,” I said, walking up to him.

”Hey!” He said back. His smile, intoxicating. Beautiful.

”I’m so sorry.”

”It is absolutely fine. Let’s head inside.”

He went for the door and it was locked. We both lightly laughed. “Well that was embarrassing, don’t move!” He went around to the other side and opened the other door. The place was packed, but definitely the best spot for a first date. “Do you want to go upstairs and find a seat?” He asked. “What can I get you?”

“Sure, thanks. I will have a honey lavender latte with oat milk. Thanks.” I headed upstairs and was able to find a table. He texted to ask if I wanted anything with my coffee “or flowers?” I thought that was adorable. 

He made his way up the spiral staircase. I stood to help with the hot drinks. “I brought a cheesecake because I don’t know what you like.” He said.

“Actually, I tend to stay away from dairy.” We laughed again.

I had taken my stress gummies on the way over - nothing like an extra dose of GABA and L-theanine to help my brain function. Lately I took them every time I needed to be social. But they helped. Today it was crucial that I was at my best.

We talked about everything - music (he loves Jazz), books, movies. We both write, but he is finding time to dedicate to his passion. We both hold the same beliefs, except he doesn’t believe in fate and I do. We are on opposite sides of the subway series, which for anyone in the city would be a deal breaker, but for me it would not be reason enough to not like him (and trust me, I have definitely used that as an excuse to not date a man before). We even discussed the topics you are not supposed to discuss on a first date - politics and religion. Still, we stood on the same side. He used to be an elementary school teacher - the man was killing me.

Halfway through our date he said he had a strange question for me, “you can say no if you want, but would it be alright if I kissed your hand?”

I smiled coyly “sure.” He slowly picked up my left hand and placed a gentle kiss at its center, then he gently caressed the spot with his thumb. He held my hand for a moment. 

I could feel myself feeling nervous. I had to calm myself down so as not to tear up. “I love this shirt,” I said as I touched the cloth over his wrist.

”Thanks, I got this during a trip overseas.” 

We took a second and I checked my phone, “my friend is running a bit behind. Do you need to head out?” We had been there for an hour and a half.

”I have time,” he said, “plus, we have to eat this cheesecake.”

We kept talking and sharing bites of cheesecake for another hour.

“This place is great, and the drinks are good.”

“What did you order?” I asked.

”Hot chocolate.”

”I didn’t even know they had hot chocolate.”

”I don’t drink coffee.”

I laughed out loud, “why did we come to a coffee shop?”

”Because you like coffee.” Such a simple sweet answer.

”What do you like?”

”Beer.”

”We could have gotten a beer.”

”You don’t drink.”

”What are you talking about, I drink.” I responded, while secretly wondering if I had mentioned I was sober at the moment. Alcohol depresses me more so I was on a break. 

We just looked at each other and laughed. 

“Where are you headed, can I walk you somewhere?” He asked.

”I am heading to 32nd, how about you?”

“I’m headed home, so just to Grand Central.”

”Then how about I walk you?” I said.

We had that awkward after-date moment, where you don’t know what you are supposed to do. We walked side by side at a distance, laughing at how it was that Kevin could possibly get lost in the city during Home Alone 2.

“So, my best friend said I’m not supposed to ask during the first date, but I would really like to take you out again, to dinner this time.”

I instantly felt nervous, happy nervousness. He liked me, at least enough to want to see me again. “Your friend is right,” I said, “you have to wait two to three days to ask me, and then I have to pretend to think before I say yes.” I smiled. Of course the answer was yes.

We reached Grand Central and he reached in for a hug. When he did he placed the lightest kiss on my cheek. I wasn’t expecting it, so I didn’t kiss him back. I can be incredibly awkward during these situations because I don’t get the small cues.

Could this date have been any more perfect? (Side note, I totally thought that with the voice of Chandler from Friends).

I put in my headphones, it was the only way I had been able to spend moments alone in the past three months. As long as there was another voice, then it helped silence the intrusive thoughts in my head.

I reached the tea house and waited for Pia.

…

“Ready for afternoon tea?” I asked Pia, as she walked up to the restaurant. She grinned.

”How was the date?” She asked as soon as we sat down.

“He was such a surprise, we have a lot in common. He opened the doors, was all about my comfort, asked to kiss my hand,” I smiled, thinking back to that moment. “We simply had such a nice time. At least I know I did. I’m so glad I went.”

“What was that smile?” She teased. “You liked him!”

“He was cool,” I tried to hide my delight.

“Dude, since college I have always been able to tell when you like someone.”

”I did. At least as a person. If we don’t date, I would love to be his friend.”

”Or you can just try to date the man,” Pia said firmly. “Stop trying to make guys your friend. You met him on a dating app. You just went on a date. You are awesome and gorgeous, that man will be into you.”

He messaged me later that evening, “I hope you and your friend had a good time. It was so lovely to meet you.”

“It was very nice to meet you too. I had a very pleasant time and very good conversation. And the company was very enjoyable, which doesn’t hurt.” I wrote. I read it back, I’m an idiot. “Oh no, four ‘very’s in one text haha - the dictionary is failing me!”

“Haha, don’t sweat it. I had a very, very, very, very good time spent with you. (feel better?)”

“I feel much better, thank you.”

…

He finally asked me out again! Three days after our first date, right on track. A simple message was all it took to make me smile, “would you maybe like to meet up again sometime?”

“Yes, I would really like that.”

“Can we coordinate next week? I don’t mind traveling to you either.” That was nice to hear. My ex would never volunteer to come see me if it was up to him, I always had to ask. It was nice to have someone want to spend time with me. Someone who had not been tasked to watch me in order to make sure I didn’t harm myself.

I’m not very sure what is everything he’s looking for and overall I’m not sure I can provide him with what he needs. I would like the opportunity to try though. It makes me sad to think things might not go anywhere. If I’m not the right person though, I hope he finds who he needs.

…

“Hi,” he writes, days later.

“Hi,” I respond, adding a smiley face emoji.

“How was your day?” 

“It was pretty great actually. The family event I planned went better than expected. I’m just getting home. How about yours?”

“That’s amazing! Love that! Mine was just ok.”

“Why was it just ok? What do you normally enjoy doing on weekends?”

“I was supposed to go to a Halloween party, but agreed to meet another friend instead, then they cancelled, so didn’t get to do either.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” After a minute or so, he messages again, “also, you’re very beautiful.”

I smile to myself. “You’re very handsome yourself.”

“Haha, I’m not, but I do have a decent personality at least.”

“I’m biased because I already met you. You’re very nice and have a good personality, and those things are attractive.”

“Oh stop! I don’t like getting compliments, but I do like giving them.”

“Ok, you can compliment me.” I get a bit self conscious when I’m complimented, mostly I think because I don’t tend to see what others tell me they see. I also don’t like it when a man just tells me I’m attractive. I don’t want to just be attractive, or only be noticed by my looks.

“You are beautiful, kind, thoughtful, smart, and funny.” It was the perfect compliment, like he had read my mind. I added a little heart emoji, right atop the message.

“You know, I’m looking forward to seeing you for our dinner date.”

“Me too.”

“I also want to learn more about what you like, in general.”

“Well, I like comic books. Superhero ones, I grew up reading them. Got back into them recently because it’s nostalgic and brings me joy.”

“Good to know,” I didn’t want to seem weird for asking such simple questions. “You should know that I’m not always great at talking or expressing myself, so I like to learn things about people. Then I usually express myself through actions.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“Anyway, I went to this conference last year and there was a really cool comic book store in the convention center. I spent a decent amount of time there and grabbed some new comic books to check out.”

“Cool. By the way, at the coffee shop, you seemed personable to me, don’t feel like you owe me any explanations for how you are. But you are fine, you didn’t come across as quiet to me.”

“Good.”

“You’re just looking for friendship right now, right?”

“I’m open to what develops. I had a bit of a rough patch some months ago after a bad breakup, but much better now. I’m open to dating for a relationship. What are you looking for?”

“Well, generally I’m looking for a relationship. My first impression after meeting you was that you were super beautiful, super smart, super likable, and super fun,” well that’s all great I thought, “... and that we probably would never work out as a relationship.” I gulped, it was like being punched in the gut. “Only because I’m so different from you,” he continued. “That being said… I just enjoyed our conversation so much that I still really want to see you again, in spite of that! Because you are a really quality person. Thoughts?”

Did I just get rejected for being a person that can be liked? So, “in spite of” not liking me for a relationship, he wants to keep seeing me. In spite of. In spite of. Those three little words rang through my head. A tear came to my eye. He didn’t like me like I had liked him. He wanted to spend time with me “in spite of” me being who I am. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I had to answer though, being an adult. “I guess, what do you think is your intention or desire then to want to see me again? Are you thinking of friendship?” I always get stuck in the friend zone. People always like me enough to have me in their lives but never as anything more than a friend.

“I mean… I am attracted to you.” Really though? I never would have gathered that from the “in spite of” comment just a second ago. “I don’t know if you are to me,” he continued, “like, I have imagined kissing you, but I don’t even know if you like me or just like me as a friend. But I am open to anything and can see a possible romantic connection between us or a friendship, depending on our compatibility level.”

People can never tell if I like them. This has always been a problem for me. “I’m curious about you,” I replied. “I’m not sure how I like you yet. But yes, I won’t deny that I also have imagined you kissing me.” These things tend to be good indicators of romantic attraction.

“Well, then, maybe for now, we don’t put too much pressure or significance on anything and just go out and have dinner together and enjoy each other’s company again? Then we can take it from there.”

“Sure,” I said, confused as to what I should have said. Was I just making the same mistake? I know at the end my ex probably didn’t like me and just waited to break up, which I will never understand because I tried to break up countless times before that. I couldn’t go through that again. “But please, don’t ever lead me on.” I said. He could not have known that I was basically begging at this point. My tears now were not just from the gut punch, but because it physically hurt me to try to put myself out there. “Like, if you realize that you actually aren’t interested in me that way, it is totally fine to let me know. I’m open to the friendship route too.”

I couldn’t control my tears now, it leads to my anxiety. I took a sleeping pill and cried myself to sleep.

The next day I could not focus enough to work, so I took the day off and hid my phone. I turned to the new bookcase and bed frame I had ordered. This should keep my mind busy. I blasted music the entire day. I literally allowed my mind nearly no space to think.

That evening I went back to the app. I saw his message from the night before “I won’t lead you on, please don’t lead me on either.” 

“Thanks,” I replied, “I definitely will not. How was your day?”

“It was okay. Yours?”

“Okay too. I spent the day building furniture.”

“Oh, like what?”

“A bookcase and a bed frame. Still need to order some other items.”

“Cool, I enjoy organizing bookcases. I find it fun. I’m such a nerd.”

“Yeah, when my head is cluttered I need to build and organize things. I’m a boring person sometimes.” I could feel myself closing up again. I didn’t know how to not seem detached in a conversation with the man I felt I kind of liked but knew he wasn’t attracted in the same way. I wanted to say so much, I wanted to share why I do the things I do. But I couldn’t do that, it’s best to stay as superficial as possible. I had opened up too much already. “Tell me something random or fun about you.” I said, trying to turn the conversation back on him.

“I’ve been pretty bummed about my team losing. But my class tonight was alright.”

“I feel bad for you, but I also know my team won, so…” I joked, “but glad the class was fun.”

“I wish I could say good luck to your team but my heart won’t let me, haha.”

“It would have been pretty awesome to watch a game and root against each other.”

“Haha, yeah, and make bets.”

“What are you up to now?”

“Just in bed.”

“What’s your bedtime?”

“Whenever I fall asleep.”

“That’s a pretty adult bedtime.”

“Aw, thanks, so rare that I get called an adult.” We were fully back to flirting mode.

“I’m pretty sure I’m only an adult when I’m at work.”

“Can I tell you how pretty you are?”

“You can, but sadly you won’t get to see me blush.”

“You’re really, really pretty. I loved your photos, but when you showed up in person, I was like… wow. Even though they are great photos, they don’t do you justice.” I don’t like being told I’m attractive by random men who haven’t met me, but since Rick had, I loved to know that he found me attractive. I’m only human.

“You are totally making me blush.”

“Oh well, haha.”

“Now, I’m thinking about you.” I wrote. Wait, I should not have written that! I quickly deleted it.

“You deleted a message? What did it say?”

“Um, it said that I was thinking about you.” I felt so silly and self-conscious just writing those words to him.

“That’s it? Why delete it?”

“I don’t really know. I wrote it, time passed, I got self-conscious. It’s one o’clock in the morning. Sometimes I write something, then re-read it, then I get in my head and think ‘what are you doing?’ But I was just thinking about you.”

“I’ve done that too, I didn’t even know you could delete messages on this app, huh, good to know!” After a few seconds a message came in, “I want to kiss you.” Then it was deleted.

“Haha, Rick, put it back!”

“I forget what I said.”

“Well, I didn’t… I hope it was a promise.” I thought about what I just said and got self-conscious again, but this time I didn’t delete it. “And I hope you will tell me again.”

“I want to kiss you.” Then it was deleted.

“Haha, why did I show you this function!”

Talking with him was exactly the pick me up I needed. 

He does like me.

…