Date with a Ghost - PART V
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all. It’s my issue with the unknown and overanalyzing everything. The fact that I had no chance was difficult because it kept me thinking about the feelings of not being good enough. Sadly, I thought dating again would help me feel the opposite, but I didn’t anticipate this situation. I didn’t even think that I would care for anyone, how could I have ever known that I would like someone.
I was experiencing feelings of jealousy towards his ex-girlfriend. Not in a dark way. Not because she won something that wasn’t even a game to begin with, but simply because she was so lucky. She had a man who loved her so much that he made it a point to put her first right when she came back. That is a very fortunate thing to have in the world - a person who cares about you, is there for you, and loves you. It was what I could only dream of having.
I always take responsibility for my decisions and I was the one that decided to still date him knowing that psychologically he would always focus on the ex. I thought I had made myself clear that it could only happen if he had the emotional capacity and availability - but either I didn’t make that clear enough, maybe he just lied to me and maybe he lied to himself too. Regardless, I had input in the outcome.
It’s funny because when I was with my ex I spent so much time trying to change my personality for someone and I didn’t realize that they were the insecure one. They couldn’t handle my confidence. But Rick wasn’t intimidated by me. He was confident in himself to let me be myself.
You know, when I think about Rick’s words - “I am so happy that you still wanted to meet up because I had such a fantastic time with you!” - I think in his own way maybe he truly put himself out there. He didn’t think we fit, he knew that since the first time we went out. We both lied to ourselves I guess. He told himself to give me a chance because there was some level of interest or attraction. I told myself that maybe that could turn into more interest. But we lied to ourselves. We should have ended it there. I should have ended it there because he told me clearly that he didn’t think it would go anywhere. What did I think would happen?
The mind tricks us. We often do the things that we swear will never be us, the things we criticize in others. We like to think that we are above the people whose stories we hear about. But until we’re in that situation, we don’t truly know what we would do.
I was naive.
When Rick said he “felt lucky to get to be with [me],” that really got to me. My ex once said he felt “proud to be with me,” obviously more towards the beginning of our relationship. Those words made me feel seen. But when those words are used in the same sentence as but I don’t want to be with you. They’re just painful words.
Maybe Rick felt lucky to be with me because he got the opportunity to have me on the side while he knew he would be back with his ex. But, maybe, there’s a chance he felt lucky to be with me because he actually liked me.
The truth is, I had one of the best nights of my life during our second date. That probably doesn’t say much because I can be a bit boring and haven’t had many life experiences when it comes to romance. So it’s probably just a normal or even mediocre night for someone else. Maybe for him too, come to think of it. He probably thought I was so childish for mentioning that I had a great date. He said it himself that I just needed to date more but I thought it was his way of downplaying my comment or maybe I had embarrassed him. It was probably just a normal date for him, something he might do with any woman he takes out. But for me, especially after my ex, it was a great night.
Most importantly, in the middle of a months-long depressive episode, it was helpful to connect with someone and have their attention. He showed me I mattered, even if just for two months. Even if just for a night actually.
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Nevertheless, it’s time to move forward.
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I need to figure out what I want to get out of my life. It truly feels like this can be a second chance if I want it to be. I need to put as much of myself into it as possible. At least now I know what I want in a man. I want someone who sees me for me and wants me for who I am.
I also want to finish figuring out who I want to be though.
The next couple of weeks were helpful because I was able to focus on work tasks and then the holidays began. I’m not a person that spends time with my family much. I don’t even share details or meaningful life events. So hiding my feelings and current situations are not something new. But at the moment, I want to be more free to be who I want to be. I want that with someone I choose though.
I never share anything about my private life with my family. It’s funny to think about that now as an adult because they don’t really know much about me. But the truth is that they had the chance to ask. I am actually not hiding anything. I would answer if they asked.
All I wish I had was someone that I could share my full self with, and they with me. It’s extremely difficult to find that in someone. It’s even more difficult to find someone who has the patience to wait for you to open up and be yourself.
I was looking forward to getting to that place with Rick, to be honest. He shared a lot of what he wanted and what his interests were. I had never thought about a lot of the things he mentioned, but I was open to it all because I liked him.
I have this firm belief that if you like someone then you have to accept them as they are. That doesn’t mean you have to be with them. You should never do something you don’t want to do or are not comfortable doing. However, you should not try to change yourself or change the other person to match what you want. It is okay to like or even love someone that you cannot be with.
In Rick’s case, I considered everything he communicated and I chose to go for it. I don’t regret that.
I hope one day I find someone who will do the same for me.
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