Date with a Ghost - PART II

A couple of days went by and I sent a hello. But I didn’t hear back.

The next day I sent another hello, “Just felt like saying hi, in case you’re around, but I also don’t want to bombard you with messages. I hope you had a nice day and have a good night.” 

I think I shouldn’t have sent this message. Maybe he lost interest or his attention is elsewhere. It is a dating app. He is connecting with other women the same way he is with me - they might all be “prettier than their pictures.” I mean, I’m talking to other men also, but none in the same way that I am with him.

I have a very bad habit of feeling invested in situations or with people. For dating, you need to not care, is what I have learned. You need to be able to decide if you like someone but at the same time you are not supposed to like them - that way when they choose someone else you can say it doesn’t matter but you are also not supposed to feel anything about it. I do not understand that. It’s just not how my romantic and sexual attractions function. I wasn’t made for these dating apps, or just dating in general really.

I realized how the contact reminds me of my ex. It wasn't welcomed of me to reach out much, he would just ignore my messages until it was a convenient time for him. He would tell me that wanted to be the first person there for me, but then he’d ignore my messages, so how could he ever be there for me? The sad part is that it also reminds me of my personality when it came to dealing with my ex. I put up with it all and still tried to connect. But I didn’t like having to feel like I was chasing. Most importantly, having to wonder why an action was happening, what I had done wrong, the wait leads to an incredible amount of anxiety.

But, it is a dating app, afterall, so I’m sure he’s talking to a lot of women. I am talking to a few men but I’m not interested in any of them in that way.

Another day went by and I got a “Hi! I don’t mind being bombarded, I just had a busy day and didn’t get to check the app. You can definitely bombard me, haha.”

I didn’t respond. I also have a bad habit of making myself too available. There are so many rules. So much guessing. I was feeling too down today, so I didn’t work again. Furniture building time! During this depressive episode, I could have built a two story home by now.

“All good, just saying hi,” I answered much later and a bit detached. Not because I wanted to be but because I need to learn how to not care. 

I had therapy that day and told my therapist that I am working on how to open up but also not attach myself. I would like to give up again and just turn everything off. I think this was enough practice. My therapist said not to pull back and to try to communicate. To tell someone, Rick, feelings and such. But my feelings feel immature and I feel idiotic sharing them. It’s obvious to anyone that I have no experience in this area. How am I supposed to date men my age when I don’t know how to speak to them? But I did as suggested.

So I messaged again, a short while later, “write to me later if you’re free, I’m just building more furniture.”

That evening, he did write to me. “How is the furniture building coming along?” I was glad that he did because he could have just ignored it. 

Maybe he did want to catch up. I still felt dumb for doing this. I cannot explain why it is that I feel this way - it’s an overwhelming feeling of being an inconvenience and that people pity me. My doctors tell me it’s just a symptom of the depression and my close friends are very patient with me. But I can’t help it, I just don’t want anyone to do something because they feel they should or to just be nice. It didn’t help that my ex said he only stayed with me because he didn’t want to hurt me, i.e., he pitied me. I never want to go through that again.

“Hi!” I was so excited to see his text. “It’s coming along, but I’m exhausted. How was work?”

“Fairly boring. You know, I would have helped you build the furniture.” His message made me smile, again, much the opposite of my ex. I didn’t ask for that so maybe he meant it. But also it made me wish that could have been an activity we did together. However, I don’t live alone and I hadn’t disclosed that information yet. So, I just said thank you. 

My mind went straight to picturing him in my bedroom, helping me build things. Laughing. Being silly. The jokes. The moment when our eyes couldn’t stop staring at each other and we’d finally kiss. Again, I felt immature thinking about those cliche moments of romance. The things we think will make us feel happy. I think for me it’s more the idea that since I don’t forget anything, those are happy moments that I can replay in my mind.

“What are you up to now?” I asked.

After about an hour he replied, “I am trying to figure out how to make my Halloween costume.”

“Ooh, what are you dressing up as? I have actually been looking at which parties are happening in the city.” I had been looking into it wondering if I should suggest we go to one together. But I think that’s probably too advanced, we aren’t there yet.

Silence.

After some time I said, “Alright, well, I guess I hope you have a good night.”

The next day I see his message in the morning, “what are you going to dress up as?” He had asked much later and I had already gone to bed. I debated responding because it was obvious he didn’t want to be speaking to me. I’m not even sure why he’d respond. His mind was on something else, or someone else. It was obvious to me.

“I don’t know,” I replied, “but I hope you are able to make your costume. And have fun.” I was certainly dismissive. He was just dragging me along, the one thing I had asked him not to do. Men are all the same, they like to have options for when others fall through. 

He seems quite disinterested now. I hope whoever she is that she’s nice to him, he seemed like a nice person. I definitely don’t want to get attached in any way or chase or feel unwanted. Sucks, I liked Rick. 

I needed to push him to reject me, because he was obviously just going to keep dragging me along. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to reject someone, especially when I like them. So, I gave him an out for dinner. “If you still want to have dinner sometime, just let me know. If not, let me know too. It is absolutely fine either way. No pressure.”

Now we just had to wait for him to take the bait.

Maybe he was one of those guys who waits until the woman cuts things off so that they feel like they have no responsibility in the matter.

…

Later that day I headed into the city to meet a friend for an art exhibit. That’s when I got the message.

“This is very bad timing for this to happen. Sorry I haven’t been more communicative, but my brain has just been in kind of a whirlwind. My ex contacted me again and we have been talking, long talks, and I don’t know what will come of that. It seems like something. I would love to take you out again, but you said not to lead you on and so I am letting you know right away so that you can decide if you would still like to have dinner with me. If not, I totally understand.”

Typical man, he turned things around so that he still puts the decision on me to end things! Probably because he doesn’t want to seem like a jerk. On the other hand though, I do appreciate the honesty. If he is being honest. Maybe he was already back with the ex or maybe he never had not been single. A part of me told me neither or those were true, but let’s face it, I have no idea how to read a man.

I don’t actually know what he wants me to say though. Would he just like me to end it or is he asking because he hopes I don’t end it? I wish we did not have this conversation via text, this would be better via a phone call at least. 

What do I want? I want to have a chance. That’s all. If I’m not good enough then that’s okay, I’m not expecting much. I just want to have a fair chance at something I want.

I cannot be sentimental, though. So, I can only be what I know that I am, objective. Always doing things for the happiness of the other person. So I replied.

“Hey, oh, thanks for telling me. I mean, that’s great if you want them back. I think it’s up to you. For me, I’m talking to other people as well, it’s a dating app, so it’s not a matter of that. Since we had also discussed the possibility of friendship, I’m open to going to dinner, if that’s something that you are still interested in. But I think you need to figure out if that’s something you want to do now or if you want the space to explore something with your ex. I think ultimately only you know how emotionally available you would be.” I think that’s the psychologist in me, but I also know that I want to continue to try to put myself out there. “How about this - take the time to consider all the things you need to consider regarding your ex - within yourself, I mean. And if you truly would really love to take me out to dinner again just reach out and let me know.”

Instantly, “I would.” He wrote. “I would really love to. I enjoyed your company quite a bit.” The confidence made me smile. It was him giving me a chance.

“Good choice, then take me to dinner, Rick.” I wrote, confidently.

“What’s your schedule like next week?” He asked.

…

I get to see my friend, Andy, tonight. She’s awesome. She was able to snag some tickets to a museum tonight. It was great that she invited me to join, I know she is helping to get me out of the house. “Thanks so much for the invite!” I said as I gave her a hug.

”Hi! Have you been to this museum before?” she asked.

“Not really, just the first floor. What are we checking out tonight?” 

“There is a new exhibit on Alvin Ailey.”

“Awesome, let’s go see it.” 

We spent the better part of an hour walking around the museum hall to see every item that had been included in the collection. It was calming. We were in a crowd but everyone was in their own world. I knew my friend was close if I needed her.

“What else do you want to check out?” I asked when we reached the end.

”That was all for today. Let me show you the rooftop, it’s pretty neat.”

We headed upstairs and passed through a small cafe, out a door, up a small set of stairs and suddenly we were overlooking the water, Little Island, and had a clear view of the Empire State Building. This city is truly captivating.

After a few pictures we headed back inside. There was a hall filled with citrus trees. All different kinds. We strolled through.

”So how have you been feeling?” Andy asked.

”I’ve been a bit better actually. Calmer.”

”I’m so happy to hear that! Have you been meeting any new people, did you try the dating app?”

”I did, actually. I met this guy, Rick, he’s pretty cool. We had a date at a coffee shop and I can see myself falling for him, if given the chance. Which is dangerous.”

”You can’t stop smiling as you talk about him, did you realize that?”

I smiled again. “I know. I think it might be over though.”

”Why do you say that?”

“He has been doing that thing men do where they ignore you and don’t speak words. So I gave him an out from our second date, he seemed disinterested. On my way here, he told me his ex is back in the picture.”

”Oh, I’m sorry, yeah that will never work. But you tried.”

“Yeah, I know.”

”I mean, it also won’t work for them. Everyone knows getting back together with an ex is a bad move.”

”I know, but it’s not my place to point that out. I would, as a friend, but we’re not friends because we are dating. But we won’t be dating when he gets back with the ex, and then we definitely will not be able to be friends.”

“This sounds like it just became a hot mess. What did you tell him?”

“I told him that I’m seeing other people, and if he’s just talking to the ex it’s kinda like if he was just talking to other women on the app. Except, it’s a woman he has history with, so I’m at a disadvantage.” I kept calculating all this in my mind while I outlined it for Andy. Her face disapproving, so now I definitely felt that I did the wrong thing. “I told him it’s not my decision, because we just had one date and I don’t have any claim over him, so it’s not my decision. He needs to know what he wants. I told him if he’s emotionally available then we can hang out, he said that’s what he wants but I just realized I don’t even know if he meant as a friend or a date.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to not do what I have done every single freaking time in my life and just put myself second because I think I will never be chosen anyway. And every time, everyone else gets together and I’m alone and sad. I want to bypass the part where I think everyone is better off without me and that I’m just intruding in their lives. Especially with this stranger who gave me a chance.” 

“You gave him a chance too.”

“It’s different, I don’t have anything in my life.” Andy looked at me with sadness. “So, I said I’m fine with it because I would rather be an option than non-existent in the equation.”

“Are you ok with that?” 

“I’m ok with him figuring things out and us hanging out. But the objective psychologist in me actually thinks that he should take a break from dating and explore this thing with the ex. Because consider this, if he dates us both at the same time, then I will always lose since she has the advantage, as opposed to if he had simply met someone else on the dating app, another new person. Then we would be on equal ground. But in this situation, his mind will always choose what he knows and is certain about. Her.”

”Ok…”

”But if I stay as part of the equation he also will never truly know me because he would just compare me to who he does know, her. I lose either way. And if he ever chose me, he would wonder about her. And I would too.”

“I see what you mean. I agree, if he goes the ex route he should take a break. But he also should really not go the ex route.”

“I don’t know if I’m doing anything right. Most people will probably call me stupid.”

”Do you think you are doing the right thing?”

“I think I am trying to be brave and take a risk and try to explore something I developed interest in.”

“Then I think it’s good, as long as you are doing it for you. And you’re making decisions again. That’s mental progress!”

“Haha, that is true.”

”Ok, let’s head uptown, I want empanadas!”

”You had me at empanadas.”

… 

The next day, I wanted to say hi to Rick. The chat with Andy had given me more courage. “Hey, you said I can bombard you, haha, so…” I proceeded to tell him all about the museum, the sites, and the nice time.

He shared about his last experience at a cool museum, seeing the old cars and locomotives. However, seeing Rocky’s robe was his favorite. 

“I’m going to Philly next month and will check out the Rocky statue.” I said.

”What are you up to?”

”I’m just finishing up bowling with my friends.”

“Oh wow, we should go bowling together.”

”Oh definitely, you can teach me how to ‘throw the ball,’ haha,” I joked. “Wait, my app says we are 1 mile away.”

”Yeah, I’m closer than that if you’re at the bowling alley on 42nd.”

”No, I’m in Chelsea. See…” and I took a selfie by the water. Got three little heart eyed emojis from him as a response.

He was probably working. I headed home and said goodbye to my friends at the subway station. About 12 minutes in, the train came to a screeching halt in the middle express track of a midtown station. They turned the air off inside the train. Great.

“Hey, so what are you up to? In true NYC fashion, I’m stuck on a train as they investigate something.” A couple minutes later I read the updates on the subway app and the conductor started coming through the train to check on the passengers. “We’re going to be here for a while,” I messaged, “it appears my train struck someone.”

”Omg, hope they’re alive. I am just at work.”

“Oh right, I won’t bug you at work.”

…

The station was cleared and caution tape was placed. We watched as the fire department and other first responders arrived at the scene. We were stuck in that train for nearly two hours. The incident had sadly been fatal. The conductor came through again, “avert your eyes, don’t let the little ones look out the window, the crew will be passing through and you don’t want them to see that.”

My anxiety immediately kicked in. I started feeling out of breath - “not now, not now, not now,” I started chanting my mantra in my mind. I searched my bag for what felt like an eternity until I found my stress gummies and took a couple. I threw on my headphones and my baseball cap. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the sound. Breathing through it.

The train started moving after a few minutes.

I finally made it to my intended stop. It’s raining now. I cannot seem to stop myself from crying. A lot. I can’t stop thinking of that poor person who maybe felt they had no other recourse for their pain. Two months ago, that was me. I feared getting close to the subway station because the intrusive thoughts were too overpowering. It’s not normal to look at an approaching train and wonder if it’s fast enough or walk over a bridge and stare over the side wondering if it’s high enough. When I was at my worst, I still told myself to keep trying. To think that if I had gone through with anything then there could be a traumatized group of train riders sitting through what I just sat through.

No matter what, I need to keep trying in life.

I just need to.

…

“So what happened?” Rick messaged later that evening.

”It was a long day…” and I proceed to share the highlights.

“That is so crazy. And sad. And scary.”

“All of the above. I need to decompress so I’m making some hot chocolate and going to watch a show. I need to laugh. Any shows you like?”

”Yeah, today was a tough one. You know? I tend to just rewatch shows I really like over and over again.”

”Haha, I do that too. Like millions of times.”

We spent a while talking about shows, which was nice.

Then I finally worked up the courage, “can I ask you something I forgot to ask yesterday? Just to make sure, are we going to dinner as friends or as a date?”

“Well, without knowing what the future might hold for my ex and I while we go through this ‘can we make it work’ period, I would love for it to be a date with you. But if that’s weird for you, I’m cool with it just being a friendly dinner. So you let me know. But yeah, I want it to be a date because I would really like to kiss you at some point if you’d let me.”

I blush, so glad he can’t see me. I add a little heart emoji to the message. “I want it to be a date, but I forgot to ask and didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

”Then it’s a date.”

”Did you finish work?”

“Yes.”

”Can I be a weirdo?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me something sweet? Not like a compliment, more like a funny anecdote or anything. I don’t want to keep thinking about the train.” This was the most vulnerable I could make myself right now. Asking this stranger for support. I had not been able to stop crying for hours.

“Something sweet? Can we start with a compliment? I think you are really hot.” 

“Really hot, huh?” I smiled.

“And how about I tell you some embarrassing things too, as a distraction?”

We had such great laughs, talking about favorite Pokémon characters and my shark plush toy, and many more things.

”Are you good at bowling?” He asked.

”Sometimes. Are you good at bowling?”

“Not really. Mediocre. But it’s fun.”

“Maybe we can have dinner and go bowling? But like dinner at a real restaurant.”

“Sounds very fun.” Already I loved that he planned the date. Another thing I want in a man, which was lacking before. I don’t mind planning at all, I actually enjoy it, but it’s so great to see the effort.

“We can make a bet on the game.”

“Um, yes please! Haha”

”Can we make it a bit interesting? Romantically? Haha sorry”

“I love the ‘sorry’ after you asked, and that sounds super fun.”

“Cool!”

”Is it weird that I already kind of hope I lose? Haha.”

“No, haha.”

”Now, I’m thinking about you.”

”Why does the message say ‘edited’? You can edit too! What was the original?”

“I misspelled ‘you,’ haha.”

”I mean, it is a tough word.”

“I missed the ‘o’!”

“I know what ‘yu’ mean, haha.”

“Haha, I like talking with you,” I smiled when I wrote it. Another brave moment coming up… “Things that I’m thinking about: (1) I’m picturing us at bowling, (2) I’m picturing us spending time together, and (3) I'm picturing you kissing me.”

”Well, now I’m thinking of all of those things as well.”

I sent him a hug emoji. “I like you (based on your question from days ago).”

”I like you too.”

”Send me that kiss in advance?”

He sent me every kiss emoji available, and hugs.

“I have to work on my costume for the party tomorrow, later tonight actually.” It’s already the middle of the night.”

”Let me know what you end up dressing up as.”

”Wish me luck.”

“Good luck!”

We said our goodbyes. 

I was so glad that I connected with him, he truly helped me through a tough day. Even if he didn’t fully know how tough it had been.

…

“How are you?” I heard from him the day after the party.

”Good, just working. How was the party, what did you dress up as?”

“It was good, I was the Joker.”

“That’s awesome.” I could imagine him as the joker. I also wondered if the ex was at the party.

”What’s your schedule like? When are you free?”

”I have brunch with the girls on Saturday, but can meet you after.”

”That works! 5pm?”

“Yes.”

“How late do you want to stay out?”

”My last bus home is at midnight, so I have plenty of time.”

It was only Monday. Saturday could not arrive fast enough.

I had a great time with him so I actually truly am looking forward to our next date. 

I want him to kiss me. 

I want to see if he’ll ask. 

…

We connected in the coming days. Definitely for Halloween.

And suddenly, it is finally Saturday!

“Will I be seeing you later today?” He asked.

“Yes, 5pm-ish. Let me know where to meet you.” I had a mess on my bed, clothes thrown everywhere. I need to look fancy, but chill, but cute. How the hell am I supposed to do this? A dress? Too fancy and I wore a different dress on our first date. Plus, not right for bowling.

”It should be noted that I almost want to cancel because I’m all self-conscious today, but I will soldier through if you promise not to judge me.” 

Is he trying to get out of the date? I mean, this would be in line with the usual events of my life. ”Rick! First of all, I’m sure you look great. Second, don’t cancel. I’m really looking forward to hanging out with you.”

“Okay! Well, first, I don’t. But second, I won’t. I forget, are you vegetarian?”

“No, but I'm not a fan of seafood. Meat is great though.” Ok, back on track. I need to also look comfortable for brunch with the girls and then be able to transition to an evening date.

“Do you want to just do bowling/drinks/bar food today? I will take you out to a proper dinner sometime very soon? I can come to your area. Sorry, I procrastinated!”

His message could not have come at a better time. “Yeah, that sounds great actually!”

”Ok cool.”

And with that change, I had the perfect outfit. Tight black pants and a cute black tee shirt with black booties. I’m really going to have to wear some color sometime soon. I grab my small brown bag and just toss everything inside - wallet, mints, lipstick, toothbrush and stress gummies. 

If I don’t hurry I will miss the bus and be late for brunch with my friends. I ran out the door. I am so excited for tonight!

…