Date with a Ghost - PART VII

I’m done with men. I seriously say this to myself weekly.

It’s a new year and I need to only focus on myself.

The holidays were tough as always. 

There’s something about the holiday time that just makes everything feel worse. There’s a fake feeling of family. Pretending to get along and love everyone that you argue with and avoid the rest of the year. Seeing everyone content with the picture-perfect versions of what society says you need to have. 

Even worse is the feeling of time passing and knowing that another year has flown by and you are empty handed once again. 

Trust me, it’s not for a lack of trying. 

When this past year began, I never could have thought this is how it would end. Once again alone and unhappy. 

This new year will be all about me. Screw it, if no one else wants me then I don’t need to try so hard. I’m so tired of people walking all over me because I try to be a nice person. That’s over. I will make it a goal this time to just do the things I need for myself and stop spending so much energy meeting others. 

… 

The day before my birthday, I headed into the city with Pia. “You’re having a drink,” she says. “At least a small one, for your birthday.”

“Thanks for hanging out with me,” I told her. 

“Well, you didn’t want to do anything else for your birthday, but we were definitely going to get together,” she said. I love Pia so much, she really is the best of friends. 

“Last year was nice but I didn’t want to face all my friends and explain being alone again and see the looks on their faces. I also don’t feel like there’s anything to celebrate.”

“So what would you have wanted to do?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes…”

“I wish that I could have spent the day with Rick. But not have him know it is my birthday.”

“What? Why would you not want him to know?”

“I don’t want any special treatment because it’s my birthday, I also wouldn’t want him to read into it.”

“I think it makes sense to you so keep going.”

“I wish we could have just hung out for the day, played games, been silly. Just to have gotten to hang out with him because he just likes me and for no special reason. Spend time with someone I can kiss and who looks at me like he wants me in his life.”

Pia just looked at me knowing how sad I felt. “Ok, did you ask him?”

“He stopped talking to me.”

“It was the holidays.”

After half a drink, which is enough since I haven’t been drinking, I decide to text him and just be a jerk. “I have a number and you have a phone, think of the possibilities.” I know, that wasn’t mean, but I thought it was hilarious.

“Would you want to meet up next week?” What the hell, dude!

“What do you want?” asks Pia.

“I want to just go for it. At this point I have absolutely nothing to lose, because I AM the loser. No one wants me. Maybe I just need a stronger approach. I think he likes strong women.”

“Whatever you want, just do it, don’t overthink it. Go do that thing and spend a day with a man you want. Just do what you feel,” Pia says.

“Hell yes, haha!” I responded to him. “I meant to say, ‘sure, Rick, that sounds great.’ Give me a time and place… I’ll pick out a cute outfit. See, I didn’t delete my messages this time.” That’s definitely the alcohol talking. “I hope you send me some nice thoughts in the meantime, because I’m celebrating my birthday this week.”

“Which day?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Send me a link to something you want.”

“Where can I find the link to you?” I was darn proud of myself for that one. I guess I just needed alcohol to get me to flirt well again.

“What an adorable line.”

“I mean, you set yourself up for it. What do you want to get me?”

“Um… a stuffed animal, OR lingerie, OR a book that you want to read.”

“What do I say!” I scream at Pia.

“What do you want?”

“A panda stuffed animal!”

“You’re trying to date this man, right?” she says sarcastically. “Go with lingerie.”

“I just bought lingerie.”

“For who?” she questions firmly and rolls her eyes, obviously wondering if there’s something I haven’t told her or if I got ahead of myself again. 

“A few weeks ago, I saw some things I liked and some things I wanted to try, and some of those are right up Rick’s alley. Since I was already getting things. Just in case I ever had the chance.”

“You are a strange person,” she laughs.

“Fine, but I know nothing about what I want in that area.” I got it, “you know what would be really fun, if we go shopping together.” I said to him.

’Okay, there you go, that could be fun,” Pia approves.

A few minutes later I got a call. Family emergency. I leave Pia and head home early.

I spend most of the night awake, waiting for news. 

The next day, I didn't have a chance to go celebrate in the city as I wanted. I had barely rested and was worried, plus I wasn’t in the mood to spend the day on my own. 

Around noon Rick texts, “Okay, we can do that next week. Happy birthday, princess. Kiss.” It put a smile on my face. It was so simple but exactly what I wanted. 

I sent a kiss back. 

I spent the rest of the day at home watching really bad found footage films. I had a nice time. 

…

I knew the look I was going for - sexy but cute. I keep doing my best to step out of my shell this time, including my outfits. I want to step it up from our second date. I need to look desirable in order to leave an impression and make an impact, but classy enough that I can feel like myself and that can be acceptable for any place we decide to go to.

I have an idea of the outfit I want, the problem is that I own nothing that fits the bill. So, shopping time, it is! I searched all the websites I like until I found exactly what I wanted. I ordered everything I needed, a whole new outfit. 

Black miniskirt (a few until I found the one just right), black tights, 3.5 inch tall black heeled boots, and a bright red cropped sweater that really brought the outfit to life. The red would match my lipstick. And to top it all off, a small vintage brown bucket purse. 

When I received everything I tried it on. It is incredible when what you pictured in your head ends up looking exactly the same in front of the mirror. That doesn’t happen often. I feel confident and attractive in this outfit, but it also matches my personality. 

Rick is going to die when he sees me!

…

A couple of days later, my family emergency was resolved. “Hey,” I text Rick that evening.

Next day, “Hi, how was your birthday?”

“Actually, I had a family emergency, so I didn't get to celebrate, it was the last thing on my mind. Even my family forgot at that moment.”

“That’s terrible, I’m sorry for both the emergency and you not getting to celebrate.”

“Thanks. Just glad all is good. How was your week? I have been thinking about you.”

“Sorry, I was at work. Work has been okay. Holiday season is tough.”

“No worries.”

“I will take you shopping for your gift sometime next week. What days are you free?”

“Any day after work, or over the weekend. What’s best for you? I’m off this week.”

Silence.

Three days later, I message, “Hi, how are you?”

Next day, “Hey, not great, just a little down. Only mentioning it because I didn’t want to just lie and say ‘good!’”

“What’s going on? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but I’m here if you want to talk. You can always call me, you know.”

“Going to class right now, will message later!”

Nothing.

…

It has been three days. The weekend starts tomorrow. I wonder how he’s doing. I have to travel for work next week and I won’t be able to see him for almost a month if I don’t see him this weekend. 

I will just ask him because I’m an adult. 

Shit, what do I even say to him? So I start drafting messages. 

Hey, at the risk of making a complete fool of myself one more time - am I seeing you this weekend? I figured you’re just ghosting again, which is fine, I get the point. To be as transparent, honest, and vulnerable as I can. I assumed that you being flirtatious and asking to get together maybe meant that you were available and interested again. If you’re with someone, can you please let me know so I don’t further make a fool of myself. If you’re ever ready, maybe just make your move, I would have really liked to date you. 

(I know this, because I think of kissing you… lol). 

That’s too cheery. Why am I just making myself overly available again and putting myself down? I’m not a fool. And that stupid line at the end, he’s not even going to get the reference from when he said that to me.

Listen, Rick, to be honest, you’re giving me whiplash. I’m incredibly confused and it’s hard to get over just being ghosted by you. I don’t want to keep making a fool of myself. 

If you just want to be friends - that’s absolutely fine. I like you as a person and this dynamic would then be acceptable. If you want to date, then if you’re ever ready, maybe just make your move. I would have really liked to date you. But it’s terrible to feel so unwanted. 

Okay, this is ridiculous, why am I being so honest with this man? He clearly doesn’t value my time or my emotions so why would he care about me feeling unwanted. That’s his goal, right? This is so confusing.

Hey, sorry if I made you uncomfortable - maybe I was a bit too forward or misread the situation. I assumed maybe you weren’t back with your ex, but maybe you just wanted to get together as friends. Which is absolutely fine and we can do that whenever you’re ready.

I’m the one apologizing now? For something I am assuming. How would I not have assumed that? He said how hot he thought I was, how much he had stopped himself from contacting me, that he considered lingerie for my birthday! Why the hell would I apologize?

Hey, I hope you have been able to feel better. So, when do I get to see you this weekend? 

Straight to the point. The message could not be any clearer.

Send. 

Now I just have to wait, he will probably message later.

…

Silence.

… 

It’s Friday afternoon, it has been 24 hours now. I have that dumb feeling in my gut - he’s not interested. 

“Maybe he messages tonight,” says Pia.

“We both know he won’t,” I sigh, “this is just going to keep happening to me. The continuous ghosting.”

“He wouldn’t do that - at least from how you described him, he seemed like a decent man.”

“We like to fool ourselves into thinking that’s true, but no one is ever really decent.”

“Man, you are jaded.”

“I have to be.”

…

Silence.

… 

Saturday seemed to never end. 

Silence.

…

Sunday was a blur.

Silence.

…

On Monday I went into a meeting with Anna. “So, tell me, how was the date with this amazing guy you were so excited to see?”

“It didn’t happen.”

“But you were so excited. New outfit and everything. What happened?”

“He ghosted, I guess.”

Anna had that look of not knowing what she could possibly say in this awkward situation. “You can still wear the outfit somewhere, wear it for yourself!” 

I thought of my new black miniskirt and the bright red sweater. I got it to wear for him, it was a date outfit, in what situation could I wear it for myself? But she was just trying to be helpful. “Thanks for the suggestion, I definitely will.”

“I’m sorry that happened.”

“Thanks, but no worries at all. It is absolutely okay.” I saw in her eyes that she knew I was lying my butt off but the pity in her eyes also prevented her from pushing the subject. We moved on as if nothing had happened.

The week flew by and before I knew it I was on the other side of the country.

…

Las Vegas. It really is not a place to be on your own.

I have not been left alone for the past seven months. I also haven’t wanted to be left alone. I don’t trust myself to be alone with my thoughts. Not yet. I was forced to because the person that was supposed to accompany me bailed not even 38 hours before. I would never have booked that trip if I had no one to go with. My coworkers would not arrive for two days. It would have been quite expensive to change my plans, which I highly considered just to avoid the anxiety.

It was a test. A life test. To see if I could literally survive.

I spent the time texting my friends, calling my support points, curled up in a ball behind the doors of that quiet hotel room. Forcing myself to go out at least to pick up food.

I didn’t have the energy to do any activities. Such a shame. But I will be back. I love Vegas. 

When my coworkers arrived, I had people to go to dinner with and to talk to. Those little things I had been working on improving felt so heavy again. 

I sat in the hotel room, starring at my chat with Rick. I read every word. I needed to stop doing that. I changed his name on my phone - “forget this time.” I needed to follow my suggestions.

I would be back in my comfort zone before I knew it. 

…

I stared out the small double-planed oval window at the sea of clouds. The sunset just beyond the mountains. The world is amazing. Beautiful. The plane began shaking, my heart skipped a beat for a second. Just turbulence. The world is frightening. Unexpected.

I need to stop being scared and focus on the beauty. 

I will find a way to live my life.

Alone.