Swaddle, wallow, rinse, repeat…
Do you ever wrap yourself up in a blanket?
You know, not where you drape it over you, but where you pull it tightly over your back and hold it securely from the front. Not because you are cold, but simply because you want to feel a warm embrace.
You swaddle yourself.
That’s what I needed this week.
I recently laid all my feelings out in the open for someone I barely know. So, really, my feelings were mostly my hopes. It was extremely well received which made me the happiest person I could be at the moment. But it was short lived because just like that I put my foot in my mouth. While my inquiries were appropriate, I let my insecurities get the better of me and my execution left a lot to be desired.
Being a hopeless romantic is something I think I often despise in myself. Simultaneously, it’s what keeps me going because after the hurt then I think I have to keep trusting that the universe has a greater plan for me. (Ha, and people think I have no faith!)
Life often plays with its puppets. We are nothing more than marionettes to entertain the creators of the universe. They watch as we stumble over and over again. They show us glimpses of what life could be and then let us make fools of ourselves again and again.
Life has played so many games with me these last handful of years. I met someone and invested my time just to find out that person was simply playing games and dragging me along, with no interest for a future. Then I met someone that I liked as a person and he decided that he didn’t think I would like him, so he disappeared. Now I have found the soul that is perfect for me, there is nothing I can think of that would cause vast disagreements for sharing a life together, but just like that, I’m not a priority.
I am not yet sure whether I believe there is only one person that is right for you. I think two people can make things work if they both want to and make the effort. But I find that some people are quite a better fit than others. That’s what he is.
He is so many of the things that I would want in a partner. He’s not perfect. And neither am I. But he expresses himself in a way that I’m captivated by. Hearing someone tell you how much he wants to be yours, as much as you want to be his - that’s something special. I just want to belong.
I reread those words all the time. His words to me.
It’s not the right time though, you know. We always say that as if it explains anything. Is there ever actually a right time, though?
Life is never perfect. Never. I think we often say it’s not the right time when we don’t want to make the effort. Even when it feels like it could be, then that’s when something terrible happens that pulls your focus.
I love the goals and ambitions this person has. I understand the priorities for now. I just wish there was a small amount of interest that my being could hold in his life.
I hope one day our lives cross again (that is, if he doesn’t judge me too harshly for our last interaction). I think people are just people. Life is difficult for everyone. If we just stop talking to someone after every first mistake or disappointing action then we’d never know anyone.
I’m at a stage in my life where I’m not thinking of things as endings. I’m keeping that door open - at least, unlocked. Sometimes you have to let people show you how much you mean to them too and how much they are willing to fight for you.
There are a few things I have learned from these similar experiences, not just romantically, but also from losing friendships or other connections.
Feel your feels. It is alright to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Your feelings are valid regardless of societal pressures, familial expectations, personal goals, or external judgments and opinions. Everyone experiences life differently and are distinctly affected by situations, therefore, it is important to accept your feelings and not try to dismiss them. I have dismissed my feelings for years and I can tell you that this simply makes everything worse and tends to affect you later on. At the moment, I’m glad that I wanted to get to know someone further, that’s progress, and it’s alright that I’m sad to lose the possibility of the idea of a future with someone that I found interesting.
Take the time you need. If you need to detach, do it. It is okay to take the time you need for yourself. If anyone does not respect that then that is something they need to work on themselves. It is not your job to make others happy while it hurts you emotionally. If you need to be social, do it. Figure out if you need time with friends or family. Personally, I have found that I enjoy social time with strangers while detaching from my current life. Sometimes I can share things with strangers that I’m afraid to have people in my life know about me. At the moment, I am not dating because I need a break, if I ever want to start again, I will know.
Reflect. Use some of the time to improve your actions in the future. Take time to reflect on your experience. Find out what made you feel how you are feeling and evaluate whether or not you want to feel that way in the future. For example, I would like to be open to wanting to get to know someone again but I want to avoid situations where a person does not have their words match their actions, and thus I want to be more confident in moving on faster. Evaluation is crucial for improving your approach, identifying who you are, what you want, and where you want to go.
At this moment, it’s no longer necessary to spend days wallowing in self pity and regrets. If he really wants to be my person, then he’ll fight when he’s ready. Let’s just hope I haven’t moved on.
When these things happen, you keep going as best you can.
Swaddle and wallow.
Rinse.
Repeat.
