Swaddle, wallow, rinse, repeat…

Do you ever wrap yourself up in a blanket? 

You know, not where you drape it over you, but where you pull it tightly over your back and hold it securely from the front. Not because you are cold, but simply because you want to feel a warm embrace.

You swaddle yourself.

That’s what I needed this week.

I recently laid all my feelings out in the open for someone I barely know. So, really, my feelings were mostly my hopes. It was extremely well received which made me the happiest person I could be at the moment. But it was short lived because just like that I put my foot in my mouth. While my inquiries were appropriate, I let my insecurities get the better of me and my execution left a lot to be desired. 

Being a hopeless romantic is something I think I often despise in myself. Simultaneously, it’s what keeps me going because after the hurt then I think I have to keep trusting that the universe has a greater plan for me. (Ha, and people think I have no faith!)

Life often plays with its puppets. We are nothing more than marionettes to entertain the creators of the universe. They watch as we stumble over and over again. They show us glimpses of what life could be and then let us make fools of ourselves again and again. 

Life has played so many games with me these last handful of years. I met someone and invested my time just to find out that person was simply playing games and dragging me along, with no interest for a future. Then I met someone that I liked as a person and he decided that he didn’t think I would like him, so he disappeared. Now I have found the soul that is perfect for me, there is nothing I can think of that would cause vast disagreements for sharing a life together, but just like that, I’m not a priority. 

I am not yet sure whether I believe there is only one person that is right for you. I think two people can make things work if they both want to and make the effort. But I find that some people are quite a better fit than others. That’s what he is.

He is so many of the things that I would want in a partner. He’s not perfect. And neither am I. But he expresses himself in a way that I’m captivated by. Hearing someone tell you how much he wants to be yours, as much as you want to be his - that’s something special. I just want to belong.

I reread those words all the time. His words to me.

It’s not the right time though, you know. We always say that as if it explains anything. Is there ever actually a right time, though? 

Life is never perfect. Never. I think we often say it’s not the right time when we don’t want to make the effort. Even when it feels like it could be, then that’s when something terrible happens that pulls your focus. 

I love the goals and ambitions this person has. I understand the priorities for now. I just wish there was a small amount of interest that my being could hold in his life. 

I hope one day our lives cross again (that is, if he doesn’t judge me too harshly for our last interaction). I think people are just people. Life is difficult for everyone. If we just stop talking to someone after every first mistake or disappointing action then we’d never know anyone. 

I’m at a stage in my life where I’m not thinking of things as endings. I’m keeping that door open - at least, unlocked. Sometimes you have to let people show you how much you mean to them too and how much they are willing to fight for you.

If he really wants to be my person, then he’ll fight when he’s ready. Let’s just hope I haven’t moved on.

It’s no longer necessary to spend days wallowing in self pity and regrets.

You keep going as best you can. 

Rinse. 

Repeat.