A Note to “G”

It’s around 11:00pm on Friday, May 23rd when I’m writing this. 

Today, I have this feeling that I’ll never hear from you again. My intuition is rarely wrong.

I stopped texting you because I realized that you probably kept trying to disappear but I wasn’t letting you because I kept making contact. Supposedly you want me to make contact. Supposedly you like me and wish you had more time to date me. You seem like someone who doesn’t like to say no. A people pleaser. So, if I keep asking if you want to be in touch then you will undoubtedly keep saying yes. Ghosting doesn’t work unless I actually accept your ghost lol.

You told me early on that you like long texts and that I should send them to you. Well, I like letters. I have always wished someone would write me one. I have a history of telling people the impact they have had on me. I wish one day someone would let me know if I’ve had an impact on them. Ideally in a romantic capacity. Lame? Haha maybe. I think it's just naive.

I’m not sure you will read this one. You will maybe simply ignore it. But I communicate through writing, so here goes.

I like you.

It’s funny actually because I rarely like people.

Let me clearly define what that means to me. I get a good vibe from you. I am intrigued by the person you are. You are creative. You appear to be honest. You follow your feelings. You want to save people. You want to make an impact. I see you. You too are beautiful in my eyes. (And, I mean, it doesn’t hurt that you are very cute.)

You seem like a nice person. So I was excited to get to know you. Early on you seemed in tune with what I am looking for in life. But over two months later, I still barely know you. You have sadly not given me a chance to know you. You are quiet and reserved. But I’m not scared of secrets and honesty.

You said you moved quickly and I hoped that meant that I would not have to dance around the “will they/won’t they” situations. But I have no idea now what you meant by that. 

I’m younger than you in years, but I’m not when it comes to the future. I’m in a place where I don’t want to wait on life - I want to run full speed ahead. If I feel something, I just want to act on it. I learned a handful of years ago that life is truly too short. What matters to me at the moment is my mind and what humans refer to as their “heart”. My emotions are not something I’m interested in hiding. 

I love that you have businesses going and learning you are a first responder was a plus because you are so already attractive lol. But really, I like your ambition and goals. I’m not looking for someone to stop living their life to be with me, rather someone who wants to live their life with me. Someone that wants to celebrate their successes alongside mine. 

I don’t forget anything. I don’t think I got to mention that. It’s a gift and a curse because I have great memories that just feel painful in life. 

I remember when I read your profile because you never came up on my list, I just saw the message you sent me. My first thought was that we didn’t have anything in common, in fact you did not in the least fit what my usual “type” would be. I thought about it for a while and I realized that you sounded interesting and my problem might be that I needed to step out of my comfort zone. So I accepted you. Very glad I did. 

I thought it was so unlike anyone else how much you were willing to share when you first wrote to me. 

You were so pushy about the whole texting you off the app thing lol but something told me to stay in touch with you. I think in general, it was a recurring theme for me to stay in touch with you. Just a feeling that I can’t explain. I guess it must be the same feeling that made me write this note. 

At the moment, it feels obvious that you no longer want to be in touch with me. For some reason though, I wanted to capture my memories.

I remember that night you texted at like 3:00am from an Uber, just to tell me how much you were thinking about me. I think that’s the first time I thought you really did like me. 

You liked my face and my eyes, but also my words. Just thinking about that makes me smile. My words. So simple, but such a strong statement.

I remember when you told me you were mine. Haha. It sounds so corny but it meant so much. You really didn’t get the chance to know me but all I have ever wanted is to find someone who wants to be mine - as much as I want to be theirs. But I hadn’t found someone. Until you, no one had offered. When you told me you were going to follow your feelings, I knew I wanted to know you. It put the biggest smile on my face. I wanted you to be mine.

I remember the night I met you. I enjoyed learning about your past, your family, and your interests. A long walk through nearly empty streets of NYC. I kept wanting to hold your hand. It was a nice night. 

You really hoped that I would like you. Well, I did.

It made me really happy when you brought up the conversation about kids. Not that I want them right now, but you’re the first guy I’ve been out with that has brought that up. So, finally, someone who knows what he wants in his future. 

You want a partner in life. You want me to feel comfortable and secure with you. All you want is to show someone how much you can love them. You want people to be people.

Thanks for asking about my website, by the way. My writing is not something I have ever shared and this website is the bravest I have ever been with it. And you paid attention and showed interest.

I was really looking forward to going to the museum with you. It’s silly but I know what outfit I wanted to wear and I wanted you to kiss me as we walked amongst the art. I wanted you to hold my hand and pull me into you. Silly. But so sexy to me. 

This time around, I chose 5 guys to go on dates with. Somehow all as busy and some just as far from me as you. All failed again. 

1. A driver who was ready for marriage, but saying you ‘love me’ after a first date is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one - so, that ended.

2. Some guy who wanted to connect, but I never heard from him again.

3. A wine connoisseur who seemed to be my best match but ghosted after an embarrassing interaction.

4. A chef who stood me up twice, totally my fault for thinking I should give him that second chance.

5. You. A guy who seems to have no time to say hello but somehow communicates feelings, interests, and needs, and seems to check a lot of those boxes that I’m pretending not to have.

I deleted the app a long time ago. I don’t think anyone on these apps actually wants a relationship or anything other than physical connection, which is really such a bummer. I have so much to offer. I think I’m a pretty awesome person but I’m biased. In my experience, guys tend to only be interested in one thing. But I want more. A lot more.

I don’t want anything complicated. I want someone to read a book next to, someone to read my weird writing creations, someone to share ice-cream with (vegan of course) or a good coffee with, someone who kisses away the tears, someone who shares all of their opinions and ideas with me.

It’s funny because I was trying so much to put myself out there with you.

I asked my friends how I could be normal around a cat, haha, so that I could prepare for meeting Bay/Bae. I’m terrified of felines but was willing to face my fears.

I knew exactly what vegan meal I would make us for a picnic at the park or at the beach this summer. I tend to get creative in the kitchen.

And yes, I honestly, truly despise the fact that I never got to see the rest of your tattoos! Damn.

I think you did like me. I truly do. At least, at times, I felt like you were telling me the truth. That’s why I was patient and kept giving you chances. 

I’ve been trying my hardest to stop being so scared in life. That’s why I made my website actually. I have been so tired of feeling like I’m hiding. I want to feel like I’m putting more of my real personality out into the world. 

I wanted to share how I was feeling with you. I’m not expecting anything from doing so. But, I don’t want to hold back. I want to acknowledge that I finally feel like I’m living life sometimes. Every time I stop talking to a guy, I change their name of my phone, but yours at the moment is just an ellipsis, three little dots, because I still don’t know how I feel about our connection and I have no idea where it’s going.

So, I just wanted to say that it was nice meeting you. I wish I could have had the opportunity to get to know you better. I wanted the opportunity to date you. 

I was looking forward to hearing your music, seeing your paintings, watching those true crime documentaries you were supposed to send me, visiting your coffee shop, and even meeting your brother. Lol. 

In your profile it said you were looking for your soulmate - I really hope you find her. 

Thanks for taking a chance on me too. I think you did by sending me that message initially. People always come into our lives for a reason. I’m glad you crossed into mine.

P.S. Everyone has told me that this sounds like a goodbye letter. I guess that when I wrote it there was this feeling that it’s the end because I don’t feel much interest from you.

But in reality, I hope that I’m wrong.

If I am, well, you know how to find me.